Taiwanese wife caught stealing money

[tommy525]

Totally sensible baberenglish. And I am going to follow that model if and when I get hitched again.

[headhonchoII]

Just like to pull up the point about daughters not giving money, that's just not reality. Many many females contribute to their families in Taiwan, both single and married. It's not uncommon for them to contribute a large % of their earnings, I have been impressed and dismayed at the same time. After marriage they often still contribute, after all there is no real social welfare structure in Taiwan. This can put a lot of pressure on sons and daughters. Now people are having less kids too. It's all a question of balance, just like previous posters mentioned.
Dishonesty is bad though, that needs to be sorted out.

[WhiteHawk]

I wanted to thank everyone who posted a reply to my post.

This is one of the most difficult situations I have allowed myself to be in.

I wanted specifically to say that, amazingly, within the all variety of opinions expressed in the replies, I have found that almost all have wisdom and insight. Especially in those that tried to fill in the blank areas of the situation, those parts of the situation that I thought at first to be extraneous to the fundamental issue.

Thanks for the feedback.

[pqkdzrwt]

I am a bit surprised that someone could be married to a Taiwanese woman for so long and not be familiar with the concept that it is quite common for Asian wives to be sneaking away some money on the side. I believe the most common answer to this question in this situation is that she is worried about divorce or separation and wants to have a backup plan of some sort.

Obviously your wife spends some of you money anyway, perhaps you could suggest making a special account for her where her "spending money" can go. That way if she wants to squirrel away part of that its ok?

[WhiteHawk]

Uh... Here's a strange update:

Now that I am budgeting our income. She got all emotional about not having spending money. I tried explaining that since I am trying to understand our cash flow, I want to be super careful with $$$ for a month or two.

We both are looking forward to Sept. which is the month we planned for her to start working, after our smaller of two begins elementary school.

In the meantime, I want to be fair. How much money should be enough to give to her for a month's spending money for her personal use?

She is suggesting 15 or 20 thousand.

I just want to be fair. What do you think. I am new at the helm here, and it has been very rough here these past two months.

[Kahna]

She is suggesting 15 or 20 thousand.

If you're creating a budget for your money, tell her to do the same for the money she's asking you for.

I earn more than my wife and have no problem at all with giving her money if she needs it for something. However, I absolutely insist that she makes a note of what it is spent on. Most of the time that money goes towards groceries and other shit we need for the house. It pretty much boils down to I pay for me and us, she pays for her. My insistence on knowing what was happening with my money caused friction at first, but I made it easy for her to keep track of her spending with Pearbudget. It is fantastically easy to use and gives a very good overview of where all the money is going each month. We each have our own copy.

https://pearbudget.com/spreadsheet

That's the free downloadable one, for use with excel or openoffice speadsheet wotsits. There's also an online one, but I haven't looked into it.

You create different categories for the different expenses, and off you go. After a couple of months, it does become second nature, and then you can start really keeping track of what's happening with your cash. There's an analysis page which compares months and categories for you. Very basic stuff, but a good starting point (was for us, at least), and after about 18 months of constant use we have a very good idea of where all our money goes, what needs to be cut back on, where we can afford to spend more etc.

[Mr He]

20,000 is what I pay my assistant, and I am sure that she puts a fair bit of it toward other uses than merely her own pocketmoney.

If your wife buys stuff for the kids, groceries and the like for a fair bit of the money, then fine give her the NT$15-20k, however if she wants it for buying perfume and handbags, then refuse her.

[Black Country Woman]

I would say for the sake of your marriage, give her what she says she needs. Ask her to keep track of it but don't argue over every NT. It seems there has been a breakdown of trust between you. She needs to see that she can trust you to take care of the money and her needs. You need to see she can manage her side responsibly.

Have you managed to get to the bottom of why she is emotional about it? No one likes to feel like they have unrealistic limits placed on them, when they are worried about XYZ (cash for the family / hairdressing / clothes / stuff you might not value much but is important to her). My partner and I used to argue and argue over $1 bags of candy when we were super-broke students and doing the weekly shop. To me, they are the height of unnecessary expense (and sugar!). To him, they became a symbol of his right to have something that he wanted (that wouldn't break the bank). He was very happy when I gave up arguing about them. I guess he felt he wasn't being unreasonable and wanted to be heard

[reefdiver]

Uh... Here's a strange update:

Now that I am budgeting our income. She got all emotional about not having spending money. I tried explaining that since I am trying to understand our cash flow, I want to be super careful with $$$ for a month or two.

We both are looking forward to Sept. which is the month we planned for her to start working, after our smaller of two begins elementary school.

In the meantime, I want to be fair. How much money should be enough to give to her for a month's spending money for her personal use?

She is suggesting 15 or 20 thousand.

I just want to be fair. What do you think. I am new at the helm here, and it has been very rough here these past two months.

Well it's good news that at least you are discussing things openly now, 15-20k does not sound unreasonable to keep her happy, if you can afford it.

Given that just a few days ago you were talking about divorce, your relationship does seem to be unpredictable and volatile. You have two children- I suggest that you read very carefully some of the other threads here about what can happen here when a marriage with kids breaks down- it's not pretty. I wish you all the best of luck and hope that you can make a success of the marriage.

[reefdiver]

20,000 is what I pay my assistant, and I am sure that she puts a fair bit of it toward other uses than merely her own pocketmoney.

If your wife buys stuff for the kids, groceries and the like for a fair bit of the money, then fine give her the NT$15-20k, however if she wants it for buying perfume and handbags, then refuse her.

Women like to buy perfume or handbags, they are women after all. I presume that's the whole point why a fixed allowance is being discussed here. For a man to dictate what their wife spends their money on is control-freakery and is not going to lead to a happy marriage. And what has how much you pay your assistant got to do with marriage ?