Divorce but assets in her name

[sandman]

Thank everyone for your support. As it is, everything is still going very well between us. We have fun everyday and I hope I'm taking good care of her. I have my hopes and I haven't asked if she still wants the divorce but conversations with future plans show that she is not wavering on the issue. I told her we should remain married until the end of 2012 when my work contract expires as it will give me time to get my affairs in order, for us to save some money, to give us a chance (my reason). I don't really have to finish my contract though. I'm going to play it low key until then. Maybe things won't work out but in the end up I'm sure I'll land on my feet.

Inside I've started to get really anxious??? I'm not really sure what it is. I though I had all my life issues settled: house, wife, car, job, lifestyle, and kid coming and now all those things are up in the air. I feel like I have to do something or make a decision and yet I don't know what the options are. I just have this feeling of dread inside my chest. I don't let her see this, I just try to be the best man I can be in front of her. Any help figuring this out. I need to focus my mental energy somewhere or I will go crazy. Do I focus more on the relationship (I don't want to pressure her), relax, prepare for moving to another country (or is that giving up too soon)?

Do you want an alternative to Western therapy? In Tainan? Send me a PM. It might not be your cup of tea, but there again, it might. The one thing that is crying out is that you need help. There are things that you cannot do by yourself. You just can't. It doesn't make you any less of a man. There ARE people out there who can help. Whether your wife accompanies you or not, you can still get some anchor-points, at least for your own anxiety (and make NO mistake! Anxiety can take YEARS off your life if you let it). And then, you go from there. Step by step.

[Mr He]

You must be under an immense strain, and I can understand that you are feeling horrible, and the only way out of it is to get clarity.

What I would do if I were in your shoes, you still love her and all that is to get some help, and I mean it. Call the community services center in Tianmu, tell them about your situation, and get some marriage conselling. I tried that, however it did not work out as my ex wife thought it was the time to settle scores instead of moving forward. We had a very good counsellor, I have forgot her name, but she did it in both English and Chinese.

If she refuses, then refuse the divorce, simple. Trust me, I have been through no less than 2 divorces, and it is horrible. You do not want to do it unless every other avenue have been thoroughly looked into.

And - still tell her you love her and that you want to work it out, or at least try. Since she choose to marry you, she ought to do the same. I would be careful about getting her family into it, however if there really is no other way, and there are people there you can confide in with some authority over your wife, then as a desperate last measure, talk to them.

Again, be sweet, kind and good to her, but let her know that it's an ultimatum if she wants the divorce.

And - even if it fails with the marriage counselling, I would still see the community services center - they are great, and you would need good help anyways.

[divea]

Inside I've started to get really anxious??? I'm not really sure what it is. I though I had all my life issues settled: house, wife, car, job, lifestyle, and kid coming and now all those things are up in the air. I feel like I have to do something or make a decision and yet I don't know what the options are. I just have this feeling of dread inside my chest. I don't let her see this, I just try to be the best man I can be in front of her. Any help figuring this out. I need to focus my mental energy somewhere or I will go crazy. Do I focus more on the relationship (I don't want to pressure her), relax, prepare for moving to another country (or is that giving up too soon)?

Whatever Sandman said above and then from me,

You lost a child too. You didn't carry the kiddo in your body, but you wanted the child and already loved it and you lost the baby too. You need to mourn that, and then take care of yourself first, emotionally and only then can you try to fix what is broken between the two of you. Even if you think you don't show her your dread, believe me she can see it. She is living with the guilt of the still birth (women have guilt) and being a disappointment to you and causing you pain. and things like that. Get some professional help like Sandy suggests.

And I'm sorry for your loss and also for the terrible state you're in.

[Mr He]

Inside I've started to get really anxious??? I'm not really sure what it is. I though I had all my life issues settled: house, wife, car, job, lifestyle, and kid coming and now all those things are up in the air. I feel like I have to do something or make a decision and yet I don't know what the options are. I just have this feeling of dread inside my chest. I don't let her see this, I just try to be the best man I can be in front of her. Any help figuring this out. I need to focus my mental energy somewhere or I will go crazy. Do I focus more on the relationship (I don't want to pressure her), relax, prepare for moving to another country (or is that giving up too soon)?

Whatever Sandman said above and then from me,

You lost a child too. You didn't carry the kiddo in your body, but you wanted the child and already loved it and you lost the baby too. You need to mourn that, and then take care of yourself first, emotionally and only then can you try to fix what is broken between the two of you. Even if you think you don't show her your dread, believe me she can see it. She is living with the guilt of the still birth (women have guilt) and being a disappointment to you and causing you pain. and things like that. Get some professional help like Sandy suggests.

And I'm sorry for your loss and also for the terrible state you're in.

I honestly think that if in any way possible, they should come to terms with the loss together. With professional help. That would likely work the best for both in the long run, no matter if they end up staying together or not.

[divea]

Inside I've started to get really anxious??? I'm not really sure what it is. I though I had all my life issues settled: house, wife, car, job, lifestyle, and kid coming and now all those things are up in the air. I feel like I have to do something or make a decision and yet I don't know what the options are. I just have this feeling of dread inside my chest. I don't let her see this, I just try to be the best man I can be in front of her. Any help figuring this out. I need to focus my mental energy somewhere or I will go crazy. Do I focus more on the relationship (I don't want to pressure her), relax, prepare for moving to another country (or is that giving up too soon)?

Whatever Sandman said above and then from me,

You lost a child too. You didn't carry the kiddo in your body, but you wanted the child and already loved it and you lost the baby too. You need to mourn that, and then take care of yourself first, emotionally and only then can you try to fix what is broken between the two of you. Even if you think you don't show her your dread, believe me she can see it. She is living with the guilt of the still birth (women have guilt) and being a disappointment to you and causing you pain. and things like that. Get some professional help like Sandy suggests.

And I'm sorry for your loss and also for the terrible state you're in.

I honestly think that if in any way possible, they should come to terms with the loss together. With professional help. That would likely work the best for both in the long run, no matter if they end up staying together or not.

You're right. I am sorry if I cam across as well, you know. Reading the OP's post about the grief, I just felt that he didn't realize how much pain he was in and he was trying to 'fix' things and so I was just saying that when he seeks professional help, it should not be just for his marriage but also for his personal loss, just like his wife.

[Mr He]

Men overall are worse to acknowledge that they are grieving or under a significant strain than women.

They will suppress it without knowing that they are doing it, however the reaction will come eventually, and I would imagine that the lid has started to come loose, as it were.

[headhonchoII]

Good luck Tom, you sound like a kind person. Your wife might be testing you in a weird way to see if you love her. I don't know. But it looks like you both need help to see if you can work things out.

[TainanTom]

Thanks for the responses. Here's what's going on.

Still living together and everything is going steady. She still wants the divorce. She doesn't want to get counseling. I guess we are both enjoying our limited time together. Nothing has really changed in the relationship. We agreed to 40,000 USD which we both think is fair. She's paid more than half already. She doesn't want to sell anything so she is getting a bank loan for the other half to pay it off monthly. I'm not sure if that's a good choice for her or not but she did it. They approved it and will give it to her next week. After that all our money/asset problems will be taken care of and at which point I will sign the papers. She doesn't want to work on saving the marriage. She wants me to continue living in the house afterwards in a romantic relationship until my contract is up. After my contract is up I'm think I will travel for a bit.

[divea]

OP, thanks for the update. Your situation sounds grim. I wish you all the best in navigating through this as peacefully as you can.Aren't you furious about not being able to save the marriage? About having to let go the woman who would have been a mother to your child - just like that? Just because she says so??? Must be horrible. This too shall pass.

[headhonchoII]

How can you have an end date on your relationship set in the future? That is just going to cause you both some serious mental issues.
I would say it might be best to get it over with now.