Dear Nigerian Ambassador,
My name is Jonathan Land, and I'm a distant relative of a man you've contacted recently named Joshua S. Freeman. When I say "distant relative", I don't mean that I'm one of his siblings or offspring that barely acknowledges his impaired but continuing existence through yearly birthday phone calls and more infrequent visits, I'm just a cousin more times removed than I'd like to bother to calculate. More importantly, I have the power of attorney over Mr. Freeman's estate... unlike Mr. Freeman himself.
The reason I have total control over Mr. Freeman's finances is because he's screwier than a pimp recruiting station at a job fair, and unfortunately you have seen what it's like to personally deal with him. What I'm trying to say here is that not only does his elevator fall a few stories short of the belfry, but no matter how you get up there, you're bound to be hip-deep in guano. God, do I love calling that guy nuts, there's a million ways to do it too!
We are, in fact, VERY interested in this opportunity, and I do have the power to make it a reality. There is one stipulation though. Since we would be doing you a great service, I think 20% of the kitty would be a little skimpy. However, we do not want more money! We would like property in key locations around Nigeria to open up a chain of stores. We would also need the proper business licenses for said chain, as well as translators to help us implement everything. If this is possible, I'll fill you in on the nature of the business, but like your deal, it too is confidential, and I'd rather not divulge any pertinent info until it's a go.
Thank you, and I hope I can repair our wounded relationship, and start anew on the right foot... unless you guys have some cultural stigma in regards to feet or the right-hand side of the body.
I'm looking forward to your reply, and I'm very eager to make this happen.
Power of Attorney for Joshua Freeman
If you disturb me again i will use african vodoo agaainst you. You will loose your manhood and may die infact I am looking at you now from a calabash of water and wondering if i should strike you dead but i see a girl an innocent girl, her spirit is strong i will let you pass this time.
Subject: Re: At Last, Herbal V, the All Natural Alternative is Available!
From: Jonathan Land <email@example.com>
Herbal V: An Incredible All-Natural Healthy Alternative To V----a
Boy, do I have a bone to pick with you,
You should really pay more attention who you send your advertising to. I am a 17-year-old college student, who, as any average 17-year-old male could tell you, is erect more often than not. If a butterfly flaps it's wings in China, I guarantee you, there isn't an atomic clock that can accurately measure the speed in which I will pitch a tent.
I know you were hoping to get some 45-year-old dentist who has spent the past 20 years of his life with a woman who makes any given NPR personality look like a sex kitten, and yes, that includes the guys from Car Talk. My point is this: because of your primitive "marketing strategy", you have screwed me over BIG TIME!
I've been seeing this girl for about three months now, and I've finally figured out the right combination of sensitivity and alcohol to coerce her into relieving me of that mighty, mighty albatross: Virginity...
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