[EDIT: Obviously this is a tongue-in-cheek post. I would like to point out that my experience with opiates for pain relief - which is the only reason I've ever taken them - is that the whole experience is pretty unpleasant, but that it sorts out the pain. The side effects of nausea, sedation, fullness of the stomach and general grogginess are pretty unpleasant. I can't imagine how people take these for fun or get addicted to them. I certainly would not be mucking around with them. Yuk.]
This what I'm trawling the internet for now. Did you see that 40mg OxyContin tablet? Phwooar! And that bottle of Percocet? I would happily give NT$5,000 for a week's Percocet right now. I know it's rude, and not fair on the other members who are not spending these fine spring days in relentless agony, but here are some corkers I found today on the internet:
WARNING! NOT SAFE FOR THE TAIWANESE MEDICAL PROFESSION! DOCTORS! CLOSE YOUR EYES! YOUR CHILDREN WILL BECOME HEROIN JUNKIES! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
What can you say? The full range of Oxycodone/Acetaminophen(Paracetamol) combinations. Beautiful colours and nicely differentiated geometrics. Have the added advantage of dual action with the opioid and paracetamol, using two different but effective ways to provide that post-operative analgesia that I need, but am not getting. One does have to frown though at the waste in pairing up a almost perfectly safe narcotic with the scary frightening paracetamol preparation which is sometimes fatal at 6gms.* Do not take more than the prescription recommendation - when they say this about paracetamol products, they really mean it. It's called a narrow therapeutic index (the lethal does is not much more than the therapeutic dose.)
Let's move on.
A lovely pair. No dangerous-in-overdose paracetamol to worry about here, just pure pnr analgesia. This is the pill that most frightens America (and the UK and all). This is more or less the strongest oral analgesic on the market, apart from oral morphine, which frankly I wonder about. (If you need morphine you need it perenterally. That's a word you learn by the way if you've been in serious pain for ten days with internet access.) Yes, anyway, this one is all opioid. You can take this one right up until the pain goes away, no "oh shit I can't take any more until next Tuesday but it still hurts like fuck" with this baby. Obviously if you push it beyond the bounds of what's sensible you'll fall asleep. Er, and that's about it. (No mulitple organ failure or dissolved stomach syndrome as with those very expensive new drugs like paracetamol or NSAIDs). Yes, you have to be either suicidal or, no, suicidal AND out in the back of beyond to die from this one. Why? Every hospital, and every ambulance in The World, has the antidote: Naloxone. That's the bit in Trainspotting when he falls down the hole, and then is sucked back up. I could go on. But for those planning to go out and eat a heroin factory this weekend, it's the depressed breathing that kills you. But as a painkiller taken in small doses, there's little to beat it for efficacy or safety. Well, I say "efficacy" - I wouldn't know of course would I? God it makes me mad to think there are daft fuckers out there addicted to painkillers when I can't even get them for a medical condition that indicates "analgesia at the opioid level, Bones! I need everything you've got!" ["My Gaaad Jim, they're still using Junior Disprin! This isn't the Stoooone Age!"]
Very well turned out threesome in a very tastefully-lit arrangement. And lovely to see these three beauties displaying their wares all over the table. Rubbery Jubbery. Enough analgesia there to make even the most chronic old wheezebag giggle like a spring chicken. On the other hand, it could make you want to buy a gun and run amok in the nearest hospital. Probably easier to buy a gun actually... Probably do more time for the painkillers, too....
One for the vintage afficianados. Not exactly wowing them on the catwalks of, er, Boots the Chemist, but still providing relief to those requiring medium-term post-operative analgeisa. But hey, any port in a storm of crippling and debilitating pain, eh sailors?
Rare foreign edition. Doesn't exactly set your world on fire, but those dusky maidens from far away shores sure know how to give a guy 15mg of Codeine phosphate and 325mg of paracetamol! Hint: Try Tijuana. Another hint: Tried eleventy billion milligrammes of codeine the other night for me pain and I might as well have shove... Ahem. Next!
And when it's time to go... dim the lights please gentlemen... the one you hope you never have to take... but kind of know you will someday....
WARNING! NOT SAFE (OR FUNNY) FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE RELATIVES WITH CANCER OR WHO HAVE JUST DIED OF CANCER AND THAT SORT OF THING!
Remember kids... Drugs are bad. Stay away from them. I have, and look at the fucking miserable twisted git I've turned into.
*The irony of course of these combination opioids and paracetamols is that it is always the paracetamol that kills you. No, sorry, the real irony is that the company that licences OxyContin (no paracetamol) is probably going to lose that licence in favour of the combination product because, now get this, people are more likely to die by taking the combination drug (bear with me) and are therefore "less likely" to overdose on it!!! Now, I'll run that by you again: People are less likely to fuck with the really dangerous pill (the one with paracetamol) because that will kill you. Therefore, we licence the really dangerous one, and ban the pure opioid one, which if doctors were honest with you about, you would puke up (because of the tablet filler) long before you could take enough to kill you. In the US they are just about to take the licence of the pure opioid away because there is less liklihood of abuse of the combination drugs because painkiller addicts say "gee, I'll not chug this one or grind it up and blow it up my ass [or whatever] because it's got paracetamol in it". Yeah right. Emergency rooms all over the shop are full of people being told "I'm sorry Mrs Jones, if only he'd overdosed on morphine or heroin or something we could have saved him, but he went bananas with the Percocet." Is Rush Limburgh stupid? No. He knew the OxyContin would never kill him. I rest my fucking case Mr Doctor-poo. And your mother was an amster.