All men will cheat, wife wants 100% control of money -- help

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All men will cheat, wife wants 100% control of money -- help

Postby TMK » 03 Nov 2006, 09:53

Is it a Taiwanese cultural normality for the wife to be 100% in control of the finances?

There were no vows exchanged at our wedding ... nothing expressing eternal trust or commitment. Just an acceptance to be husband and wife was exchanged. This has always bothered me in the back of my mind. We have been doing everything the Taiwanese way with no room or effort to add a bit of western culture into things.

My wife's family has an ongoing history of infidelity and financial hardships and irresponsibility. She confessed to me last night that due to her family history and Taiwanese habits, she doesn't trust men to be loyal. Her Aunts and mother have all brain-trained her to feel this way.

I am trying to deprogram that kind of thinking. I am not Taiwanese, I would never even think of cheating let alone cheat ... I have expressed this to her but she still feels the same and because she feels this way, she wants me to give her 100% control of our finances ... not even allowing me to have my name on the bank account. I just can't agree to this. I think a relationship/marriage has to be 100/100 when it comes to trust. I feel we should have a joint account and work on our finances together.

What should I do? What kind of experiences have you married folk had? Are Taiwanese women naturally programmed to be paranoid about cheating ... do they really think it is in the nature of men to cheat and that inevitably it will happen? That is just crazy!
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Postby TainanCowboy » 03 Nov 2006, 10:00

Try it. Watch how she handles the money.
See if the bills get paid, if she understands investing/saving for the future, etc.

If you are genuinely, concerned work with her to educate her about money matters. Explain that its your concern for both of your futures and your family with her that you want to plan for.

Trust is hard to build and easy to lose.
"Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature" --- "Caesar and Cleopatra"...G.B. Shaw
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Postby TMK » 03 Nov 2006, 10:10

TainanCowboy wrote:Try it. Watch how she handles the money.
See if the bills get paid, if she understands investing/saving for the future, etc.

If you are genuinely, concerned work with her to educate her about money matters. Explain that its your concern for both of your futures and your family with her that you want to plan for.

Trust is hard to build and easy to lose.


Thanks TainanCowboy, your words are true.

There are things that I am finding out now that were not made known to me before we got married. For example: her mom took out a huge loan to buy a house for her business...she now expects her daughter (my wife) to pay her 10,000 NT a month to help pay off the loan. Something we never were a part of. She is also expected to contribute to her sister's university expenses. How can we possibly save for our future if we are taking care of the rest of her family? She says this is normal and expected in Taiwanese culture.

I don't mind helping, but only when we are financialy stable ourselves. My head is spinning right now. When I asked her to open a joint bank account with me, she said that there is no such thing in Taiwan. You cant have 2 names on one account. Is this true??? I find it hard to believe.
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Postby igorveni » 03 Nov 2006, 10:15

How long have you been married?
Hasn't this issue come up before the wedding?
She should trust you 100% or else why marry you? I understand the "fear" or jealousy, but to me, she is going a bit to far.
These, money and trust, are important issues and should be discussed before marriage.
I guess it's not a sudden thing, her asking control over the money, so what happened?
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Postby TainanCowboy » 03 Nov 2006, 10:21

TMK -
Welcome to Taiwan. Its your family, you have to make decisions for it or else...?

Re: Bank Accounts - I have my name on one of our bank accounts. I deposit and withdraw from it and everyone at the bank knows me. I use either her 'chop' or my own 'chop' on the paperwork. I also have an account for our boy which I sometimes use. These are different from my business accounts.

You should establish banking procedures which are beneficial to your family needs.

As to the NT$10k a month extortion, this is a common ploy played on 'foreigners' who marry Taiwan women.

Do you want to be exploited like this? Now's the time to decide what your future is going to be.
I'm certain others will chime in with other advice.
"Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature" --- "Caesar and Cleopatra"...G.B. Shaw
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"The big sisters are usually hot, but the dads smell of alcohol and tobacco....and have dirty feet with dead toe nails in blue slippers. "...Bob_Honest on "The Culture"
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Postby Fox » 03 Nov 2006, 10:22

I don't think it is a good idea to hand over such things to somebody you hardly know, like your wife (straight from Tigerman's Highschool analogies). However, I believe it's true that when we get married we don't really know the person we are marrying, we are simply making a commitment to potential and our better judgment. So why on earth would you want to jeopardize all that by letting that person take 100% control of the money you earn? What do you know about their ability to handle such responsibility? How would you feel if they intended on frittering it away, giving it to their parents, racking up credit card debt? I would never do such a thing as a matter of course, but I would have no problem with doing it after they set alight to my funeral pyre.
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Postby Rascal » 03 Nov 2006, 10:47

TMK wrote:There are things that I am finding out now that were not made known to me before we got married. For example: her mom took out a huge loan to buy a house for her business...she now expects her daughter (my wife) to pay her 10,000 NT a month to help pay off the loan. Something we never were a part of. She is also expected to contribute to her sister's university expenses. How can we possibly save for our future if we are taking care of the rest of her family? She says this is normal and expected in Taiwanese culture.

From what I heard this is part of Taiwanese culture. Actually, (and I don't mean to sound harsh), but that's something you should have known. Maybe not the details but that the children do provide for their parents and siblings is very common in Asia.

I don't mind helping, but only when we are financialy stable ourselves. My head is spinning right now. When I asked her to open a joint bank account with me, she said that there is no such thing in Taiwan. You can't have 2 names on one account. Is this true??? I find it hard to believe.

I doubt it, but if true just open two accounts - one for you and one for her (the latter being the shared account for household expenses, her clothes, etc.).

My advice: do not give her 100% control. If you can have joint accounts open a joint account, but if you are wise you will also have an account just for yourself (with or without the knowledge of your wife, that's up to you).
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Postby igorveni » 03 Nov 2006, 10:54

Fox wrote:I believe it's true that when we get married we don't really know the person we are marrying,

Are you serious? I think the person you'd mary should be the person you know best in the whole world.

Anyways, back to the OP, when I got married, my in-laws tried this same tactic, I was suppose to pay NT$ 15,000 per month for...well, even they didn't know why. I refused of course, then was lectured on "Taiwanese culture" and still refused, then they hated me for a few months and the thing kind of got lost in time, they never brought it up again.

My advice, don't do it, unless you are well financially and are willing to, otherwise there will always be something else to pay for, it'll never end.

My wife and I share our bank account, but it is true that you can't have both names on 1 account. But it is just a technicality, like TC said, you can use your wife's stamp to withdraw money anytime. So, it's not a real issue.
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Postby Fox » 03 Nov 2006, 11:17

Fox wrote:
I believe it's true that when we get married we don't really know the person we are marrying,

Are you serious?


I knew my wife for a couple of years before we were married, I loved her but she wasn't the person I knew best in the world. She's probably one of them these days amongst a group of others. Is that weird? I don't think so. It is just realistic. Before we were married I'd lived with another woman for about 8 years. I'm certain I knew her better than my wife. So what?
"When liberty comes with hands dabbled in blood it is hard to shake hands with her." Wilde

"I don't know where the sun beams end and the star light begins. It's all a mystery." Flaming Lips

"a man's position here is not ruled so much by what he can earn as by what he can owe and still remain at large." Letters of a Shanghai Griffin

"It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it." George Carlin

The American oligarchy spares no pains in promoting the belief that it does not exist, but the success of its disappearing act depends on equally strenuous efforts on the part of an American public anxious to believe in egalitarian fictions and unwilling to see what is hidden in plain sight.
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Postby TainanCowboy » 03 Nov 2006, 12:44

Fox wrote:
Fox wrote:
I believe it's true that when we get married we don't really know the person we are marrying, Are you serious?
I knew my wife for a couple of years before we were married, I loved her but she wasn't the person I knew best in the world. She's probably one of them these days amongst a group of others. Is that weird? I don't think so. It is just realistic. Before we were married I'd lived with another woman for about 8 years. I'm certain I knew her better than my wife. So what?
Oddly enough, the woman who I think knows me best is not my wife. She and I worked together for quite a few years and are in frequent, not daily or weekly, email contact.
And her husband and I are good friends.
"Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature" --- "Caesar and Cleopatra"...G.B. Shaw
-----
Kid Rock - Born Free
-----
"The big sisters are usually hot, but the dads smell of alcohol and tobacco....and have dirty feet with dead toe nails in blue slippers. "...Bob_Honest on "The Culture"
------
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
------
Isaiah 40:31
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