All men will cheat, wife wants 100% control of money -- help

Procedures, processes, JFRV, potential documentation difficulties, whether to get married in Taiwan or overseas, as well as legal basis for divorce in Taiwan, including all related problems and pitfalls, child custody, alimony payments, abandonment, extra-marital affairs, and other complications...
Forum rules
While the moderators are happy to help point people in the right direction for legal assistance and to attempt to keep these forums civil and tidy, please bear in mind that an Internet forum is not the place for providing or receiving legal advice or for the creation of any attorney-client privileges or obligations. Also keep in mind that Forumosa and the moderators cannot conduct comprehensive reviews of all laws or legal concepts referenced or discussed within these forums – laws and regulations are updated and amended, interpretations do change, and sometimes the legal landscape can change very fast. Forumosa provides these legal forums for general informational purposes only. By using these legal forums, you agree that the information does not constitute legal or other professional advice and no attorney-client or other relationship is created between you and any other posters on these forums. DO NOT CONSIDER THE FORUMS TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR OBTAINING LEGAL ADVICE FROM A QUALIFIED LICENSED ATTORNEY.

Postby Namahottie » 03 Nov 2006, 15:36

Damn this is a really good topic. This situation, just confirms more and more to me, that should I get married one day, pre-marriage counseling is a must.
@michellemalkin Just so we're perfectly fucking clear here: You're a crazy fucking shitwad. Enjoy your night. Read more at @MayorEmanuel
Namahottie
Golden Lotus (huángjīn liánhuā)
Golden Lotus (huángjīn liánhuā)
 
Posts: 8810
Joined: 19 Apr 2004, 20:54
2 Recommends(s)
5 Recognized(s)

6000

Postby sandman » 03 Nov 2006, 15:50

Namahottie wrote:Damn this is a really good topic. This situation, just confirms more and more to me, that should I get married one day, pre-marriage counseling is a must.

That gives me an idea. I think it would be helpful to have a serious area of forumosa -- something like the parenting section -- in which a respository of information like this could be established to provide those approaching marriage to a local with knowledge of the various traditions/expectations/common points of contention they might be likely to encounter.
It could also work for locals, too. They could find out about things like the idiocy of getting hitched to an Irishman, that kind of thing.
sandman
Manjusri (Wénshū)
 
Posts: 30180
Joined: 04 Jun 2001, 16:01
28 Recommends(s)
196 Recognized(s)

6000

Postby k.k. » 03 Nov 2006, 16:59

sandman wrote:I think it would be helpful to have a serious area of forumosa -- something like the parenting section -- in which a respository of information like this could be established to provide those approaching marriage to a local with knowledge of the various traditions/expectations/common points of contention they might be likely to encounter.

It could also work for locals, too.



You're right. I don't think my wife has considered how much hockey she's going to be subjected to when we live back in Canada some day.
Forumosan avatar
k.k.
Thinking of Having Kids (xiǎng yào shēng xiǎo hái)
Thinking of Having Kids (xiǎng yào shēng xiǎo hái)
 
Posts: 3956
Joined: 14 Jun 2005, 06:51
Location: Taipei (from Manitoba)
23 Recommends(s)
17 Recognized(s)

6000

Postby Namahottie » 03 Nov 2006, 17:00

sandman wrote:
Namahottie wrote:Damn this is a really good topic. This situation, just confirms more and more to me, that should I get married one day, pre-marriage counseling is a must.

That gives me an idea. I think it would be helpful to have a serious area of forumosa -- something like the parenting section -- in which a respository of information like this could be established to provide those approaching marriage to a local with knowledge of the various traditions/expectations/common points of contention they might be likely to encounter.
It could also work for locals, too. They could find out about things like the idiocy of getting hitched to an Irishman, that kind of thing.


Since I was your muse for that lovely idea, can this single woman be a mod over it? I could just flame away comments about how explaining how to close the car door properly isn't necessary and cause for flame baiting.
@michellemalkin Just so we're perfectly fucking clear here: You're a crazy fucking shitwad. Enjoy your night. Read more at @MayorEmanuel
Namahottie
Golden Lotus (huángjīn liánhuā)
Golden Lotus (huángjīn liánhuā)
 
Posts: 8810
Joined: 19 Apr 2004, 20:54
2 Recommends(s)
5 Recognized(s)

6000

Postby jlick » 03 Nov 2006, 19:04

My wife and I have separate bank accounts. We have separate businesses. The only kinda strange thing is that our house is in my wife's name even though I paid 2/3s and my mother-in-law paid 1/3. We share living expenses according to how much each of us has available, though we're not extreme to the point of the couple mentioned previously which splits the cost of dinners out and don't count out every dollar each person pays for things. My wife has a pretty independent personality for the most part so this has worked out well for each of us.
SUBWAY™ eat fresh! Free wireless Internet access at both Jimmy's Sandwich Company locations:
SUBWAY™ Qingcheng Restaurant: Urban One 1F #1 Qingcheng Street, Taipei. (Nanjing East Road MRT station)
SUBWAY™ Minquan Jilin Restaurant: #74, Section 2, Minquan East Road, Taipei.
Forumosan avatar
jlick
Presidential Advisor (zǒng tǒng gù wèn)
Presidential Advisor (zǒng tǒng gù wèn)
 
Posts: 3004
Joined: 15 Dec 2002, 13:38
Location: 中華民國台北市中山區
4 Recommends(s)
11 Recognized(s)

6000

Postby ChouDoufu » 03 Nov 2006, 20:11

In America, based on advice from a relationship class I took in college for general degree requirement credits, my wife (Taiwanese) and I (American) set up three accounts. We each had our own personal account and one joint account.

Everything needed to pay bills and expenses would go into the joint account. This was the main checking account and we used it to send out rent payments and to make payments to other budgeted expenses.

After subtracting the money that went into the joint account for budgeted expenses and subtracting money that went into various budgeted investments and savings (joint investment funds, emergency savings, etc.), we each put an amount of money into our personal accounts.

The money in our personal accounts was for us to spend on anything we wanted. We had no say what the other person did with that money. The purpose was to avoid the number one cause of arguments in families: money. If blew several hundred bucks on a Treo smartphone, I didn't want to hear about it. Similarly, if she wanted to buy more over-priced cosmetics that served purposes mysterious to me, fine, go ahead, as long as you have the money in your account, you don't have to convince me that you need it.

A close friend of mine, who is Japanese-American (his wife is Japanese), didn't agree. He felt that a married couple jointly-owned everything and should not need to separate accounts like this. I've talked to others, from a variety of cultural backgrounds, who feel similarly. They tend to be the same folks that find premarital agreements abhorrent. I don't share this world view, but I did stop the multiple and separate account scheme.

Eventually, I found that our finances were becoming too complicated given our income. Too many bank accounts, money market accounts, etc. Eventually, we merged many of our accounts. Having separate accounts didn't stop all arguments about money. You'll still have them...after all, how much to save? What are you saving for? Are daily international calls to your mother a budgetable expense for the joint account or something that should come out of your account? Do you buy a used or a new car, what model? Etc.

We didn't have more arguments after merging the accounts. Just less paperwork.

When we moved to Taiwan, my wife came several months before I did as I was finishing up a project in New York. She opened up a bank account and transferred money to it. When I came to Taiwan, we looked into making it a joint account, which is a very simple process in the United States. But in Taiwan, they don't seem to have such a thing. And this was the local branch of HSBC telling us this, not some small, local bank.

In practice, however, it doesn't matter, I still have an ATM card for the account. I just don't have any legal rights to the money if my wife were to change the PIN number and on-line password. Currently, I am not working full time, but I do some substitute work for friends and acquaintances. Some buxibans require you have a bank account to get paid. I just have them deposit the money into my wife's account. I must say that I actually like letting my wife manage that account. She's better than me at managing the payments and monitoring accounts for deposits and stuff. I really don't enjoy reconciling accounts. :-)

Regarding the comment above about sending money to relatives as a type of extortion often inflicted on foreign spouses. That is very misleading. It is very common for Taiwanese to send money to their parents (and, really, not only Taiwanese). Also, it is too easy to say that you should discuss this before you marry. I think everyone should have a prenup before they marry, but even with a prenup drafted by the most brilliant of matrimonial attorneys, you are not going to be able to cover every situation that will come up in a marriage, especially a multicultural marriage.

Maybe your wife an you should try the multiple account approach. It may work for you better than I, especially in the beginning while your wife has trust issues. She should realize that making you totally vulnerable so that she feels more secure is unfair. There are numerous financial arrangements you can come to that will protect both of your interests so you can stop worrying about money and focus on building trust in your relationship. An accountant should be able to help you with this.

As for money demanded by her parents, well, you need to come to an agreement with your wife on this. I don't have a problem given money to my in-laws because they have helped my wife and I out on many occasions. What comes around goes around. Also, my mother-in-law is very good with money. I've also had to put up with more than money issues, as we've had in-laws live with us for extended periods (but also vice versa), and all the other challenges that come-up when you join with another family.

I have, however, turned down requests from people on my side of the family when I felt they've been living irresponsibly and that my giving them money would only empower them to continue doing so for a longer period of time. If you feel that is the case, you might have to make a difficult decision that your wife is not emotionally ready to make.

If it is just a matter of saving for your future, then you may have a cultural difference to deal with. Some families, especially in Taiwan, see sharing the wealth and supporting others in the family as the most important investment you can make towards your futures and, to some degree, they may have a point. This is the case in many cultures, not just Taiwan. Who's going to support your family if tragedy strikes? I don't envy the position you are in.

Personally, I have no problem being perceived as an asshole when I need to say "no" to protect my and my family's interests. But when I'm able, I feel I should help out when I can, when it isn't encouraging destructive behavior. I can be card to draw the line in both instances. I feel fortunate that I haven't missed the mark by too much in the ten years I've been married and I wish you the best of luck with your aim.
Stinky. Spicey. Scrumptious.

http://www.squidoo.com/groups/Taiwan
Forumosan avatar
ChouDoufu
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
 
Posts: 103
Joined: 25 Oct 2006, 03:53
Location: Taichung

6000

Postby ChouDoufu » 03 Nov 2006, 20:26

Tempo Gain wrote:no such thing as a joint bank account in Taiwan. someone please correct me if I am wrong.
s.

That's my understanding. It is one of those things that I didn't believe at first as it is common for folks to tell me "that's not done (or doesn't exist) in Taiwan" only for me to be stubborn and prove them wrong. But in this case is seems to be true. I'm not sure that "there is no such thing" but it surely is difficult, uncommon, and not worth the hassle if it is even possible.

No big deal, your spouse can still give you an ATM card to his/her bank account or vice versa.

Or you just get two accounts. Not a big deal.
Stinky. Spicey. Scrumptious.

http://www.squidoo.com/groups/Taiwan
Forumosan avatar
ChouDoufu
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
 
Posts: 103
Joined: 25 Oct 2006, 03:53
Location: Taichung

6000

Postby Namahottie » 03 Nov 2006, 20:27

ChouDoufu wrote:
Regarding the comment above about sending money to relatives as a type of extortion often inflicted on foreign spouses. That is very misleading. It is very common for Taiwanese to send money to their parents (and, really, not only Taiwanese). Also, it is too easy to say that you should discuss this before you marry. I think everyone should have a prenup before they marry, but even with a prenup drafted by the most brilliant of matrimonial attorneys, you are not going to be able to cover every situation that will come up in a marriage, especially a multicultural marriage.


Great story ChouDoufu. Sure it's easy to say that you should discuss this, but it should be discussed. Some people aren't level headed or wise/aware that these are important issues one would have to face, and the reality surrounding them. Discussing it doesn't mean that future arguments won't happen, it just may mean the arguments are over something of value and not as frequent.
@michellemalkin Just so we're perfectly fucking clear here: You're a crazy fucking shitwad. Enjoy your night. Read more at @MayorEmanuel
Namahottie
Golden Lotus (huángjīn liánhuā)
Golden Lotus (huángjīn liánhuā)
 
Posts: 8810
Joined: 19 Apr 2004, 20:54
2 Recommends(s)
5 Recognized(s)

6000

Postby bob » 03 Nov 2006, 20:55

I haven't read all of this thread so don't know if anybody said this or not but - "Whadya freaking nuts?" Nobody but me has no money in the bank.
bob
Golden Lotus (huángjīn liánhuā)
Golden Lotus (huángjīn liánhuā)
 
Posts: 8625
Joined: 14 May 2004, 14:11
Location: sunk
21 Recognized(s)

6000

Postby alidarbac » 03 Nov 2006, 21:20

Reading topics like this makes me happy that I don't have an SO to steal my money and I don't have any money for her to steal in the first place.
Forumosan avatar
alidarbac
Betelnut Beauty (bīnglang Xī Shī)
Betelnut Beauty (bīnglang Xī Shī)
 
Posts: 1534
Joined: 30 Aug 2003, 14:35
Location: Dai-bak
3 Recommends(s)
5 Recognized(s)

6000

PreviousNext




 
 
 x

Return to Marriage



Who is online

Forumosans browsing this forum: No Forumosans and 1 visitor

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time -- MARK TWAIN