Funniest crap I've read in a while

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Funniest crap I've read in a while

Postby Confuzius » 19 Jun 2012, 23:55

"Mystery mushroom" which leaves Xi'an villagers befuddled turns out to be artificial vajayjay"

Yes....vajayjay

http://shanghaiist.com/2012/06/19/mystery-mushroom-artificial-vajayjay.php
"Knowledge alone is transitory, the outcrop subsequent to 'I desire all things'". - A. O. Spare
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Re: Funniest crap I've read in a while

Postby housecat » 20 Jun 2012, 08:10

There is a graphic late term abortion photo at the top of the page that is linked to above. It is very disturbing. You have been warned.

The story is funny, but I was so put off by the photo that I felt more miserable than amused.
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Re: Funniest crap I've read in a while

Postby Teddoman » 20 Jun 2012, 08:53

What was funny was how they kept showing various guys manhandling the thing with it jiggling away in their hands.

How the heck did it get 80 m underground though?
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Re: Funniest crap I've read in a while

Postby shiadoa » 10 Dec 2013, 02:54

This is amusing it made me laugh a lot....ouch, :roflmao: ouch my Heart
http://www.ettoday.net/news/20130814/256837.htm
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Re: Funniest crap I've read in a while

Postby shiadoa » 21 Dec 2013, 23:45

Image
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Re: Funniest crap I've read in a while

Postby shiadoa » 29 Dec 2013, 05:00

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
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Re: Funniest crap I've read in a while

Postby best_intentions » 15 Jul 2014, 14:16

from the NY Times. She's got a lot of funny posts. Pretty damn funny and had to share. Sharing is caring!


Welcome to Spin Class: You Won’t Last
By JOYCE WADLER
MARCH 28, 2014

Congratulations on signing up for spin class. For building muscles and cardio, it’s the best exercise there is. Good on you. Give yourself a hand. You may find the workouts challenging in the beginning, so for you newcomers, a tip:

When class is over, do not leave the gym for 15 minutes. That way when you collapse, our specially trained instructors will be there to call 911. (It also ensures that unattractive strangers will not be stepping over your body.)

Don’t we all feel more confident now?

Great. Let me hear you holler, “Yeah!” Holler like the warrior/athlete/robo-commandos you are, not the pasty little wuss you used to be.

You call that a yell? The wimps in yoga scream louder than that when someone spills water on their mat. Let’s hear it: WA-HOOOOOOOO!!!!! Scream like it hurts. Like the muscles in your thighs are on fire and your lungs are about to explode and you’re bleeding from the ears and you are about to pass out. Yeah, it’s that good.

O.K., let’s talk about your outfit. No loosefitting clothing. You’ll want tight padded shorts, and for the ladies, tight tops, preferably midriff baring, to annoy the women who are older than you. For shorts, we recommend the ones on sale in reception with our logo: the skull with the roadkill kitten in its teeth, for $60. We’ll also be providing you with bike shoes, which clip into your pedals. They make it harder for you to run away. What kind of music do you like? Oldies, ’50s and ’60s? Then we recommend taking class with Sean, who plays techno/psycho. At 100 decibels, you’ll lose your hearing by the end of the third class anyway.

Hydration: It is very important to keep hydrated. We recommend two gallons of potassium-infused coconut bladderwrack energy drink before class and two quarts during. No bathroom breaks. What do you think, this is grandma’s aqua class? Hold it in, work that bladder! Your bottle holders are beneath your handlebars. Familiarize yourself with their location now. When we dim the lights, you won’t be able to find your shorts with two hands in the dark, and from what I can see, those are pretty large shorts. You call that a laugh at your own expense? Let’s hear it.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!

O.K., ready to ride? Remember, you know your body, just go at your own pace. Ha, ha, just messing with you.

We’ll start our warm-up with your resistance dial set low, just riding along on a flat country road. With zombies chasing you. Let’s get ready to sprint. SPRINT, SPRINT, SPRINT, SPRINT, SPRINT! What’s the matter, do you want to get eaten by a zombie? Uh-oh, he’s reaching under your top and tearing out some nice, soft guts. You’ve got 25 feet of intestine, you can spare a few feet, but you still better speed it up. MOVE! I want to visualize your intestines stretching out behind you. LEFT/RIGHT/LEFT/RIGHT! How we doing, team? Let’s hear you holler. Is that how you holler when your guts are stretched out behind you like a bungee cord? Let me hear it.

AaaaaaIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!

O.K., three-second rest, hydrate, towel off. Don’t lose the rhythm. WIPE/WIPE/WIPE/WIPE! Give yourself a hand. Great work. Except for the woman who’s slumped on her handlebars in the second row. You with us, honey? Good. Just keep spinning. Your left arm goes numb, just power through.

O.K., we’re going to do hills and jumps. Increase that resistance, rotating your dial to the right a few times so on a scale of 1 to 10, it’s 13, and SIT/STAND/SIT/STAND/SIT/STAND! I want to see you leaping out of that saddle like a rocket. Haul till you hurl! Press till you arrest! This should be tough. If it’s not tough, you’re not challenging yourself. Go join a book club. Discussion question: Why do I spin like an 8-year-old girl?

You feeling good? You feeling ready for a real challenge? Let me hear, “Yeah!” Not like you’re the guy somebody gets ahead of at Trader Joe’s and you don’t have the nerve to do anything; like you’re gonna ram that bottle of Trader Giotto’s olive oil down his throat. Holler like you mean it:

YEEEAAAAHHHH!!!

That’s more like it. Now reach down under your saddles and grab your dumbbells — first timers, you’ll find some light 20-pound weights — and on my count stand and press those weights straight up over your shoulders.

STAND/PRESS/SIT/STAND/PRESS/SIT!

Now let’s mix it up: Riders with even-numbered bikes, stand and punch those dumbbells like you’re Rocky, riders with odd-numbered bikes, stand and duck.

You ready?

STAND/DUCK/SIT/STAND/DUCK/SIT! Keep it going for three minutes.

Now rest. That was awesome. Except for that guy in the back with blood coming out of his ears. Somebody shove him off the bike. And tell the front desk we’ve got an opening.


Joyce Wadler is a humorist and writer in New York. Her books include “My Breast” and “Cured: My Ovarian Cancer Story.”
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