Bad jokes thread

[superking]

Why are Jewish men circumsized?
Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20% off.

Doctor to patient: Sir, you have to stop masterbating?
Patient: Why?
Doctor: So I can examine you.

What's the difference between a magician and a psychologist?
A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. A psychologist pulls habits out of rats.

[Isha]

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

[Super Hans]

There were two pieces of vomit walking down the road. As they passed a pub, one of the pieces of vomit started to cry.
"What ever is the matter?" said the one piece of vomit.
"Nothing - it's OK", said the other. "It's just that this is where I was brought up."

[Nuit]

Two guys were out walking through the woods and came across a large, deep, dark hole. One picked up a rock, threw it into the hole and listened. Not a sound.
The other guy found a bigger rock, dragged it to the hole and toppled it in. They listened for some time, but again, nothing.
They both agreed that this must be one deep hole and that maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. They spotted a big log close by, and picking it up, they grunted and heaved it to the hole-side, and rolled it into the depths. They listened intently...... still nothing.

Then all of a sudden, a goat came racing out of the woods, running like the wind. It dashed right past the men and flew straight down the hole. The men were astounded, but then all was silence again. They backed off the way they'd come, and pretty soon ran into an old farmer - who asked the men if they had seen a goat. They told him of the bizarre incident they had just witnessed, and asked the farmer, if, by any chance, this could have been his goat. A magic goat.

The old farmer shook his head slowly: "No, that can't have been my goat ... he was chained to a big log."

[Icon]

Uncle Bob remembered my B-day...

• you know your getting old when an all nighter means you didn't get up to go the bathroom
• You know your getting old when going braw less pulls the wrinkles out of your face
• You know your getting old when getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot

Thank you, Uncle Bob.

[Super Hans]

Wait until you get to my Grandfather's age!
Actually, it's very sad because he passed away recently. He had an illness, but conventional medicine wasn't working very well, so we took him to one of these alternative medicine clinics. The doctor suggested rubbing lard all over his back.

He went downhill pretty quickly after that.

[finley]

Uncle Bob remembered my B-day...

This year my sister sent me a card with this on it: "You seem a little grouchy. Perhaps it's time for your nap".
And the depressing thing is, it's true.

[ChewDawg]

What kind of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood.

[superking]

Headline in Irish newspaper, "Cork man drowns." Turns out the guys name was Bob.

[bismarck]

There was a young man from the Cape
Who tried to bully an ape
The ape said, "Don't be a fool. I'll buckle your tool, and kick your arse out of shape."