Taiwanese Wife Verbally Abusive

[PostMaster]

Is it just my Taiwanese wife, or are some other Taiwanese wives also verbally abusive to their foreign spouses?
Been married 7 years. Feels like 70. Every little thing I do is criticized...and I mean every little thing. I get regular "tongue lashings" that last for 4 hours sometimes and during which I'm told just how useless of a husband, father, lover, person, teacher, etc, etc, I am.

Desperate to have a normal wife. Don't want to divorce because I'll be leaving my 2 year old son with this woman and can't stand the thought of that.

[Confuzius]

Is it just my Taiwanese wife, or are some other Taiwanese wives also verbally abusive to their foreign spouses?
Been married 7 years. Feels like 70. Every little thing I do is criticized...and I mean every little thing. I get regular "tongue lashings" that last for 4 hours sometimes and during which I'm told just how useless of a husband, father, lover, person, teacher, etc, etc, I am.

Desperate to have a normal wife. Don't want to divorce because I'll be leaving my 2 year old son with this woman and can't stand the thought of that.

This has been going on for 7 years and only now it has become too much?

If its really that bad, I would expect there to be something that good...or even better, to have inspired you to stick with it. Maybe this is a post fight rant.

Either way, if this is the norm, you gotto stand up to her. Women don't respect men they can walk all over and talk to like they're dog shit. You allowing her to speak to you this way INVITES her to speak to you this way.

My if my wife had ever acted like that (or if I had acted like that to her) we would be nothing more than vague memories in each others' minds.

Hope it works out for you! Whatever happens, put her in her place (and by that I mean that is on EQUAL footing with her, rather than you being under her boot...not condoning you treat her the same way or worse).

[Pop Fly]

One suggestion might be to email her this link: viewtopic.php?f=92&t=106252

Have you ever considered hiring a Social Assassin?

Sounds rough bro. Maybe get a dog and just go for walks when she's wound up? Good on you for being a Da first and foremosta.

[finley]

Dunno if it's all of them, but it does seem pretty common. Check out the threads on psycho xiaojies. I think a good fraction of the males on forumosa have some experience with it.

Personally, I've not discovered any simple solution - although walking away and then waiting for the escalating shitstorm to die down usually works, if you can call that 'working'. She'll then be nice as pie for a week or two ... until the next time. At the end of my tether, I was treating it all as an interesting experiment to see what she would do under various stimuli. Attempting to hold a rational argument was pointless because there was no actual point to the argument; it was simply a recitation of my many failings as a human being. Sitting there and staring at the ceiling just encouraged her. Staying calm (or getting angry) and asking her to tone it down just started tape loop B ("if you weren't such an XYZ I wouldn't have behave like this"). Telling her to STFU made her violent. Eventually I ran out of ideas and had to call it a day.

I think they do it because they observed their own parents doing it and simply don't realise it's fucked-up. I honestly don't know why it's so common here, though. I have an awful suspicion that some of these women are actively seeking men who will beat the crap out of them. There's definitely a low-self-esteem issue there; why else would you need to demolish the personality of someone you supposedly care about?

Realistically, the only chance of getting a normal wife involves divorce. And probably going to a different country. With the benefit of hindsight, I recommend getting one of those little audio-video recorders and taping each incident. Most likely, things will escalate to the point where she's throwing things and getting physically violent. You'll need a record of that to secure custody of your son.

[jimipresley]

I apologize if I sound heartless, but I see this scenario over and over again. Don't people sort this stuff out BEFORE they get married? The regular testimonials that we receive here bear witness to a severe lack of communication and forethought.

I have a ridiculous amount of friends that "fall in love" and get married within a year of "knowing" their spouse. They get divorced and then start the cycle anew. Not to say that there aren't sometimes extenuating circumstances, like unplanned pregnancy, so no jibe at you, OP, I don't know your particular situation.

I have been in three 5-year+ relationships where I wanted to get married within the first year. I'm so happy that I didn't. I wouldn't contemplate getting married to someone that I hadn't lived with for AT LEAST 5 years, anymore, where parameters have been set.

I'm no saint, but my wife and I came to a prima facie agreement.

1) Don't give me irrational, emotional shit, and I'll reciprocate.
2) If we argue, being absurd and childish is counter-productive.
3)Never go to bed angry. Sort it out IMMEDIATELY, or it will fester. I don't believe this anymore. Rather go to bed angry. Things look much better in the morning.
4) NEVER assume that I'm going to roll over to ridiculousness to "keep the peace". I saw my dad doing that all his life, and now the poor old chap isn't even allowed to hold a valid opinion anymore.

My wife had her own list, but that's our little secret.

Ultimately, don't be a pussy. Sort shit out. If it's untenable, work out a way to make it as painless for the protagonists as possible. And it has nothing to do with the wife being "Taiwanese". It has to do with where YOUR balls are situated: In your pants or in her hand.

And NEVER make the mistake of equating good sex with "love". I don't have enough fingers and toes to count my friends who have fallen foul of that folly.

[tsukinodeynatsu]

Just going off what you've said, it sounds terrible and not a very nice environment for your son to grow up in. Follow finley's advice and record arguments etc (you can probably set up a webcam that records automatically or something if she's not very tech savvy) and then one day take your son and leave the country. File for divorce and custody in your home country. (I know lots of people tend to think kids are best left with their mothers, but not when their mothers are emotionally abusive.)

[Okami]

Things change when you decide to change them.

I suggest you listen to Jimipresley and grow a pair of balls. the next time she tries that shit, you just look at her and say, "Who the f^%* do you think you are talking to?" I've never really had to use this on my wife, but I have an annoying coworker that I have to use it or some variation of it quite often. If I didn't, she would try to walk all over me again.

I'd also suggest that you never threaten her. The look and aura should convey the message loud and clearly.

[Petrichor]

I think it's a little unfair to insult the OP's manhood by suggesting that he grow a pair. Like most people in abusive relationships, he's probably found that arguing back escalates the problem. And nor is it fair to blame him for marrying her. Sometimes people turn this way when they feel their partner is more dependent and less likely to leave them, classically, when the woman becomes pregnant or the couple relocates and leaves support networks behind.

OP, I feel really sorry for you as I say this but in my experience such people don't change. I don't know what makes people behave like this. Mostly that was how they grew up, but then plenty of people grow up with abusive parents and don't go on to become abusive themselves. I've had, and still have, a few people I know well who are abusive and it seems to me that they have very low self-esteem and abusing someone else makes them feel better about themselves. But none of this will be any consolation to you.

You can either leave or stay and try to find a way to manage your wife's behaviour. Those are your only alternatives because you don't want your son growing up witnessing that. First, you need to make her understand that things cannot continue as they are and that you need some ground rules if the relationship is going to survive. You could try explaining to your wife that you're happy to talk about problems in your relationship, or even things that she perceives as problems with you, but only if it's done in a non-accusatory manner. So, for example, if she has something she wants to get off her chest, she can tell you but she has to talk about how she feels, not what you've done wrong. She can't use the words 'you' or 'never' or 'always'. E.g. 'I'm upset because I didn't get a hug all week' not 'you never hug me'. You can tell her that as soon as she uses the forbidden words you will leave the room, or apartment if necessary.

Maybe, with consistent application of rules, you can change your wife's behaviour. I have heard of this succeeding with grown up children of abusive parents, when they would simply hang up or walk away if their parent started having a go at them. Otherwise, I honestly think you need to think carefully about the long term prospects for your son.

[Zla'od]

I second Petrichor (above). No doubt some other Taiwanese (or Western, or miscellaneous) wives (or husbands) are like this, but many others are not, and this kind of behavior cannot be considered normal. The kind of feelings you express are not run-of-the-mill anger, but seething dissatisfaction--this has been festering far too long, and obviously cannot go on. I would like to think that your wife could be made to understand this, and that she might be willing to change for the sake of saving her marriage (and that you would still want her at this point). I am not optimistic, but perhaps there is still hope. Is she capable of listening to reason from any source (relatives, perhaps)?

[PostMaster]

Thanks everyone for your advice and comments. They're much appreciated...even the "grow a pair" comments, which I will take under consideration, if not for my own sake, for my son's.