finances and Fiancees

[downtownandrew]

Had kind of a shocking conversation with my fiancee girl.
Background: She fully knows my financial background. Stocks, bonds, mutual funds, etc. I have a nest egg of money I have no intention of touching until retirement. I am not super wealth, nor super broke. She has been off and on work for the past year... ( recent graduate with a Doctorate degree). she wants to become a professor and the job opportunities are just not available at the moment. She is very book smart, but real world is like a complete mystery to her.
She has a current job the last two months... so I know what her salary is. She hates the job, but she is working... soon as a professor job opens... she is out. ( The past experiences show this... but ended up NOT getting the position.)

We had a discussion over money, and all of sudden she closed off the conversation.
She did not want to talk about how much money she has at all. I think it was out of embarrassment. but I really dont know. I am talking about as a nest egg, savings, that type of thing. She is more concerned with the prices of fruit at the moment. I stress she is not a spend thrift, she is very cautious with her money.

We just signed a lease on an apartment, and based on her current financial situation... it seems that eventually all financial matters will need to be handled/paid by me. I am not looking for a roommate situation, dont think that.

But, I was expecting to have an open conversation about money... and now it seems like a potential kiss of death to us.
wth do I do?

I have enough money to cover the rent for 2 years living like a pauper. But I really do not want to have that type of lifestyle where we cant do shit, but watch TV, video games and walk to the park. I love to travel, and now.. I think one of my feet has been caught in a snare. Things can improve if she becomes a professor, but I just dont see the fire in her to get that job. She doesnt network, or join any associations which I assume exist. She only exists on a resume... that when I read it.. I was floored on how parts of it sounded unprofessional . ( though my background is in sales, not education.)
No kids, btw. Nor do we want them ( her more than me.)

Anyone else been in this situation. Not expecting to get an solution online.

[GuyInTaiwan]

The chances are that if she's not good with her finances and has no real interest in talking about them (and learning to improve them), that the long term outlook for you is not good unless you really are prepared to carry her. She could change, of course, but I wouldn't count on it. Her becoming a professor or not becoming a professor will probably only have a minor effect on any of this. Some people can earn lots of money and still not save any of it, and some people can earn only a little money and still save a fair amount of it.

[Okami]

From the sounds of it, she's never going to get a job as a professor. She doesn't know what she wants and is feeling pretty trapped knowing what she should be rather than what she currently is.

I hope it works out for you. I'd suggest having that talk about what she is going to do after you get married. My wife started a business and it completely ruined any chances we had to go traveling. It was sort of sprung on me and I've been angry about it ever since. I can't tell you how to fix your problems, but I can let you know how not to make the same mistakes I did.

[bigduke6]

My wife is also useless with money. I do not think she has NT$ 100 in the bank. Lucky for us her parents are relatively well off.

How I deal with it is simple. I have my credit card and she has hers.I pay mine and she pays hers. Not negotiable in my book. Every month I give her X amount for all the household expenses. I pay all the bills such as electricity, internet etc.

After this the balance is invested with a portion going to the bank for any emergencies.

If by the 20th of the month she is broke. Tough luck. Her salary is sufficient for her not to live like a pauper and save some. If she needs to borrow money from me it gets paid back on pay day not neg. Its the usual story "oh I got such a bargain for 500NT", not realizing all the bargains add up.

Bottom line is that it needs to be dealt with before you get married as money issues can quickly destroy a marriage. I look at my parents as a good example of how money arguments can fuck a marriage up.

[superking]

Talking about money is low class. Talking to your GIRLFRIEND about money is super low class.

Talking about your girlfriend (behind her back) not wanting to talk about money is lower than that.

You wanted to show off to someone you are fucking. They thought it was shallow. You bitched to strangers.



DO.
THE.
MATH.

[Zla'od]

I disagree completely with Superking. If you are going to get married, you need to be able to talk about these things. Your fiancee is not being very sensible--communication is as important to marriage as sex. In view of her refusal to discuss money, I would ask her WHY she finds the topic uncomfortable. Perhaps she is ashamed of something in her background, such as childhood poverty or family debts. Really, I have no idea what she could be thinking, but you have to be able to have this conversation.

Beyond that, you might discuss what she wants to do with her life, and what her "Plan B" is if she can't be a professor (as seems likely, in view of the growing number of Ph.D's and shrinking number of university students). This isn't just about money (as important as that is), it's about values, and your future life together. Good luck.

[cfimages]

If you truly love her, then none of that matters.

[superking]

I disagree completely with Superking. If you are going to get married, you need to be able to talk about these things. Your fiancee is not being very sensible--communication is as important to marriage as sex. In view of her refusal to discuss money, I would ask her WHY she finds the topic uncomfortable. Perhaps she is ashamed of something in her background, such as childhood poverty or family debts. Really, I have no idea what she could be thinking, but you have to be able to have this conversation.

Beyond that, you might discuss what she wants to do with her life, and what her "Plan B" is if she can't be a professor (as seems likely, in view of the growing number of Ph.D's and shrinking number of university students). This isn't just about money (as important as that is), it's about values, and your future life together. Good luck.

She is not working at the moment.
She is cautious with money.
She notices the price of things.
She is book smart.
HE has a nest egg.
HE wants to know if he is, 'caught in a snare.'
He doesn't love her enough.
He wants to know if she has enough money for him to love her back.


Wake up mate. People write shit for you to read, not for you to apply your own situation to.

[Feiren]

If you truly love her, then none of that matters.

I completely agree.

[superking]

If you truly love her, then none of that matters.

I completely agree.

Me three.

So I guess he doesn't love her. Which was my original point.