divea wrote: Icon wrote: tomthorne wrote:
Icon wrote: the "money talk" is vital.
Agreed. Any ideas how the OP might achieve this?
Wait for the right time, not be angry, thread softly. The baby talk, the money talk, the expectations talk... all must be brought out eventually. No room for assumptions in a relationship.
Icon really??? I'm in a relationship for the last 16 years and any talk, that we did have and if we agreed to anything is OUT of the window. It really is meaningless. My life is nothing that I assumed it would be, or the way I planned it. Love really helps you sort out a lot of stuff, cliched as it may sound. Everything else is an arrangement that comes with a caveat *Terms and conditions are liable to change without prior notice*.
You can have the talk, you should but it does not give you any clarity, you can even have a pre-nup about how you would live your married life and yet it can go defunct. IMO, they had the talk. It's done. He said what he needed and she heard what she did and told him the price of fruit. Finito. Just because it was not what HE expected to hear, doesn't mean it did not happen.
Sure, life is life and so unexpected, but we are talking about underlying values and expectations here. It is more along the lines of "what kind of relationship do you want?" not "in 5 years I want a Ferrarii Testarrosa at teh door or I'm out.. Make it yellow."
There are always doors and choices to be made, but those choices are not to be implied, assumed or imposed. For example, I guess when you guys got married, your husband mentioned the possibility of his having to be posted abroad due to the nature of his work. Of couse, he couldn't know at the time where or when. Imagine if this had been a deal breaker for you. Instead, you agreed, even if you did not know where the job would take him and your family. I guess it as pretty hard to have a kid by yourself in Beijing instead of home with the family, but you did it well, and you guys were already a team by that time with a common goal. Not all women can and are willing to follow the husband. There are several guys here who have followed the woman when posted to Taiwan. It is not easy, and there must be communication to make the transition. Same with money. Different families have differenet ways of viewing and managing money. When people get together, they are not just pooling salaries, they are also bringing attitudes, values, and fears associated with money. It is also a kind of trip.