When should I say that I am divorced, to a girl?

[tsukinodeynatsu]

ironlady, not sure if you saw it but a while ago djstout followed his Taiwanese girlfriend here from Japan. They had a good relationship and were living together there and were making plans towards marriage, but when they got here and she lived at home her parents were dead. set. against her dating a foreigner. 'Set you up on dates and cuss him out in his presence' kind of against. And she didn't really stand up for him. He spent quite a long time trying to figure out how to appease the parents or try to get her out from under their influence or whatnot, and I guess it didn't work.

Was a horrible situation, I wouldn't be surprised if he's a little jaded now. I think some enjoying life and relearning what women are is probably what the doctor orders in this situation.

[tommy525]

I believe that when one has an opportunity to go out with another one who has potential, any potential "baggage" should be brought out to the open straight away.

This way if it is a problem, no emotions have been spent. Nobody is yet in a position to get violent

Just throw that baggage right in there with an innocent comment like " well when i got divorced 4 years ago i thought I would take up some skiing" etc.

"oh yeah my daughter is ten years old, do you have one too? " "yeah shes living with her mom in denver"

etc

p.s. yes I agree dont pin all the blame on the other party, makes you sound like either a wuss , very unlucky , or a lier.

I always say (tommys been divorced once) " we lived together for two years and constantly fought, so we thought we would try marriage...." That was the truth and the end was pretty much in the cards. If you are fighting before marriage, its not going to get better after.

[djstout]

ironlady, not sure if you saw it but a while ago djstout followed his Taiwanese girlfriend here from Japan. They had a good relationship and were living together there and were making plans towards marriage, but when they got here and she lived at home her parents were dead. set. against her dating a foreigner. 'Set you up on dates and cuss him out in his presence' kind of against. And she didn't really stand up for him. He spent quite a long time trying to figure out how to appease the parents or try to get her out from under their influence or whatnot, and I guess it didn't work.

Was a horrible situation, I wouldn't be surprised if he's a little jaded now. I think some enjoying life and relearning what women are is probably what the doctor orders in this situation.

Thats exactly what happened in Kaohsiung with her, then we moved to Taipei, I took her to my country, my family paid her flight ticket as she had no job and she couldn't asked money to her parents (even if they are richer than my family) because they didn't know she was coming. In Switzerland she made a mess, she was moody in front of my parents and left in the middle of xmas dinner because she was not happy, still my family accepted it, and forgave her, but after coming back to Taipei, it was too much for me, she is a fantastic girl, but her very traditional family and her very moody temper made me understand that I clearly needed to find some kind peaceful relationship.

About my ex-wife, it's easy, I was owner of a cafe bar in Osaka, the cafe was not doing well enough during weekdays and I had troubles paying my bills, I sold it, got a new job and one day my boss came to see me and told me that the company had to close down... My ex wife couldn't accept waiting for me to find a job again. It's understandable, even if I don't agree

[tsukinodeynatsu]

ironlady, not sure if you saw it but a while ago djstout followed his Taiwanese girlfriend here from Japan. They had a good relationship and were living together there and were making plans towards marriage, but when they got here and she lived at home her parents were dead. set. against her dating a foreigner. 'Set you up on dates and cuss him out in his presence' kind of against. And she didn't really stand up for him. He spent quite a long time trying to figure out how to appease the parents or try to get her out from under their influence or whatnot, and I guess it didn't work.

Was a horrible situation, I wouldn't be surprised if he's a little jaded now. I think some enjoying life and relearning what women are is probably what the doctor orders in this situation.

Thats exactly what happened in Kaohsiung with her, then we moved to Taipei, I took her to my country, my family paid her flight ticket as she had no job and she couldn't asked money to her parents (even if they are richer than my family) because they didn't know she was coming. In Switzerland she made a mess, she was moody in front of my parents and left in the middle of xmas dinner because she was not happy, still my family accepted it, and forgave her, but after coming back to Taipei, it was too much for me, she is a fantastic girl, but her very traditional family and her very moody temper made me understand that I clearly needed to find some kind peaceful relationship.

About my ex-wife, it's easy, I was owner of a cafe bar in Osaka, the cafe was not doing well enough during weekdays and I had troubles paying my bills, I sold it, got a new job and one day my boss came to see me and told me that the company had to close down... My ex wife couldn't accept waiting for me to find a job again. It's understandable, even if I don't agree

I feel for you bro. Iv been in a similar situation. Its not pretty and its painful. Sometimes things are just not meant to be. And with a different girl your entire world could/would be different !!

Its a whole new world out there.....sometimes changing partners is the only way out (for both parties).

Now i view things differently. Iv stopped trying to be who the girl wants me to be. I'm going to be ME and my partner has got to want to be with ME. The trick is to find the girl that actually likes YOU and isn't trying to change you into someone else.

Thats not to say you cant be a better YOU but the basics have got to be more then acceptable to her.

Shes got to like you just the way you are.....and you her. There cant be unreal expectations on either side.

[djstout]

And yes sorry for blaming the other party, it is clearly not what I want to do here, maybe too emotional while writing this post. Of course I am to be blamed for half of what happened, to my point of view, in a couple it's always 50/50, well most of the time, I have to be blamed for my divorce, I could have done better and I could have given more security to my ex wife, I could have tried harder with my ex girlfriend and tried being more patient with her parents. So please don't misunderstand me, it is 50/50

[bismarck]

Bring it up when you feel comfortable with it. With the right girl it won't matter either way.

[superking]

Oh well no, we unfortunately had to break up, her family was really not willing to give me a chance, and I really tried hard listening to their shit, but too much is too much, especially when my family was more than nice with her. Anyway, it's time for something new, but the problem is that Taiwanese are not as open minded as Japanese about divorce, they are more traditional, so if I meet someone new and start something serious, I want things to be clear from the beginning, I don't want to go through the same shit again.

I do not know you at all, so don't take this personally.
What you're saying here is a big red flag to me as a woman. Oh, it was all her family's fault. Nothing on you at all. Everything they said was "shit". This does not read like "I had a past relationship that didn't work. There were problems on both sides. I thought about it some, and I learned something from the whole thing, so I expect my next relationship will not have those issues." This reads like "I married a girl, and she and her family didn't treat me like I deserved. I want this to be clear from the beginning so you know you have to treat me in a certain way."

To be fair, you're only 2 years divorced (been there, done that myself) and this is an internet forum on a thread you started, so you're not really expected to be totally fair to any exes that drop into the conversation. But still -- you might want to think about how you're wording this for the real conversation.

You read wrong. He got divorced and THEN had a situation with a girl whose family didn't accept him because he had been divorced.

[divea]

Was a horrible situation, I wouldn't be surprised if he's a little jaded now. I think some enjoying life and relearning what women are is probably what the doctor orders in this situation.

Errrrmmm Jaded?? everyone told him so. Everyone told him exactly that.....for months. And he paid no heed. Relearning???? That is it. Bingo!!!!!

Alas!!! No one really learns. (mostly). People keep entering relationships, keep getting screwed over and then restart all again. Anyone who has had a couple of (bad) marriages or atleast couple of (bad) LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGTERM relationships, will have a few more (there are some who wisen up and learn). They (Not all but most) never stop at 1 or 2. They set themselves up for failure. Why?? God knows? I see people who are in love perennially and I go, wasn't she just divorced like 3 months ago???? ANd they marry and then wham 2 years, it's in the drain. Again.

OP, all the best.

[djstout]

The good news is that the girl I am interested in, has divorced parents and don't mind about it, great, that will help a lot, even if I feel sorry for them and her. Already told her the truth, and it doesn't look like bothering her.

[bismarck]

The good news is that the girl I am interested in, has divorced parents and don't mind about it, great, that will help a lot, even if I feel sorry for them and her. Already told her the truth, and it doesn't look like bothering her.

There you go. No worries.

And there's nothing wrong with being "in love perennially", or trying again. Nothing wrong with looking for what you want and failing along the way. Eventually you will find what you're looking for. Do what feels right, follow your heart and listen to your head. IMVHO, I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong with the last one. You loved her, followed her here and tried to make things work against all odds. These boards are peppered with stories like your that didn't work out, but hidden in between all that there are also the few instances where it did work out.

Soldier on, mate. Good luck with this one.