I need a pretend boyfriend (American or not)

[vanityvice]

No, before you judge the subject please hear me out. I'm 28, born to Taiwanese parents but we're living in the Philippines. I have no plans of getting married and that is quite a disappointment to my parents and my relatives (who keep on playing the match maker role each time we visit and it's really annoying to me), and the thing is I really hate how my dad thinks it's a contest (maybe it is, to some), but to me it's not exactly the top most priority in life and I used to enjoy going home but now it's just dreadful every time because of this one aunt who keeps introducing me to guys and expects me to get engaged based on my first impression, because I guess the guys who seek a life partner in that way are also desperate or in a hurry. My dad thinks I'm not getting any younger (wait, I think so too) and he thinks it's my obligation to get married and have kids and what, live happily ever after? I really hate to be known to them as single as they won't stop doing this. If you're living in Taiwan you probably understand how most Taiwanese parents are. I really wish someone would be kind enough to help me out and just be a buddy and my pretend boyfriend so they would back off. I have been honest to them, and I have told them I'm not ready but maybe they don't know the word respect because we are children, we should listen to them.

I'm frustrated, as you can tell.

[housecat]

I could be your pretend girlfriend. Then, maybe, they'd get and STAY off your back. I'm serious. I'm straight as an arrow, but I do understand your pain. If you show up with a pretend boyfriend, they'll just try again when you pretend break up. A pretend girlfriend might send a louder message?

[vanityvice]

Thank you, but that's the thing. I'm not straight. But I look straight and I couldn't get myself to come out to them because well my dad has a heart problem, and many people have told me to do it, be honest but I don't think I'd want to hurt him like that and I don't think everyone understands where I'm coming from but he is not the type who can tolerate or accept that version of me. He is the typical Taiwanese dad. Hope this information doesn't creep you out! Thank you for understanding, though.

[finley]

You're 28 years old. You're an adult. It's time to prove it by telling them what they need to hear. Once dad gets over his hardwired opinions (which he probably inherited from HIS dad) everything will be fine. And if it isn't - well, at least you have your life back. If dad feels hurt because of who you are, that's his problem, not yours, and it's up to him to deal with it. Get on with your life, because it flashes past faster than you can imagine. You don't have to be imprisoned by other people's destructive impulses.

And as HC just said, turning up with a gf (real or otherwise) will send a pretty clear message.

[housecat]

Thank you, but that's the thing. I'm not straight. But I look straight and I couldn't get myself to come out to them because well my dad has a heart problem, and many people have told me to do it, be honest but I don't think I'd want to hurt him like that and I don't think everyone understands where I'm coming from but he is not the type who can tolerate or accept that version of me. He is the typical Taiwanese dad. Hope this information doesn't creep you out! Thank you for understanding, though.

Why would it creap me out?

My ex-brother-in-law came out to me first, because I was the "softest" family member--he didn't risk face-loss by telling me--and it still took him YEARS to do that. He doesn't "look" gay either, but if you spend more than ten minutes around him, it's pretty obvious that he's at least not arrow straight. But he's the only son in the family and has the obligation of the family name--you know the drill. His lesbian sister became a monk.

So I can, honestly, understand something of how hard this must be for you. My personal opinion is that it's better to come out to your family. A secret like this ends up being a wall between you and the people you love. It may be hard for them to deal with, but you may find that they eventually respect you for being strong enough to be who you are--and for respecting them enough to be honest with them and let them deal with who THEY are.

Cheers.
*My brother-in-law wasn't my husband's brother--he was his cousin--his father's sister's son. So, technically outside the family, but the relationship, at least in my ex's family, is still called brother.

[tsukinodeynatsu]

If worse comes to worse, I'd suggest looking around the gay community for a gay guy who needs a fake girlfriend. I think they're called 'beards' in English. Then you can cover for each other.

Whatever people say about you coming out to your family, it's a very personal decision and only you're really qualified to make it. If and when you feel ready, go for it!

[Isha]

Pretend boyfriend is not a solution because the most Asian parents never stop nagging. First boyfriend then engagement, marriage and children. On the other hand pretend (or real) girlfriend is a very good idea. Parents may take some time but they will understand and accept you. Remember to keep 911 on dial just in case you need it while you break the news

[finley]

tsukinodeynatsu is right of course - I can't imagine how difficult it must to deal with that sort of decision - but your parents are expecting the whole enchilada, not just a bf; as Isha said, marriage, kids, etc etc.

Besides, unless they're really dense, they already know. They just won't admit it to themselves, and they're hoping you're going to be the compliant, dutiful daughter and Do The Right Thing regardless. I don't see it as any different, really, from telling your parents that, no, you don't want to become a lawyer and buy a BMW, or no, you're not interested in studying at Harvard. In your case, you won't be getting married and having kids.

[Nuit]

Yes, you're asking for a 'beard' - a fake male companion. This would work in the shortwhile, but it sounds like that is only going to buy you time. Perhaps a year or so, before they start insisting on a wedding (are you up for a 'pretend' marriage, with all the trimmings?).

If you're still keen on a beard, I think you need to shout out where your folks are in Taiwan. A good beard would still want to be local, even if he pretends to live further away.

[Nuit]

beard
trimmings

See what I did there?