splitsec002 wrote:With all the negative responses I was not sure if I'd post in this forum again. I guess you were all trying to give me "tough love".
Yeah, I think that's a good way to look at it and thanks for posting an update. I think it was a pretty smart move to come to a website in Taiwan (of mostly foreigners) to get advice about a Taiwanese girl. I don't think the responses were really all that negative, just quite pragmatic in relation to the info that was provided. Everyone's wearing a different set of glasses when it comes to relationship stuff. Some are more scratched than others.
splitsec002 wrote:Like what most of you said, I was already hooked and I couldn't do anything but enjoy my time with her. Two weeks went by and its really the craziest relationship I've been in. So, she finally told me the truth. She's been married for 3 years already. And been with him for 6 years total. I guess their relationship has changed. 3 years ago they were close but she wanted a child, he didn't. And so forth and so on.... Now they are still married but live sort of separate lives.
We talk and facetime daily now. Not sure what is going to happen. She says she loves me and I do too. I know she's genuine about her feelings and her life right now. I guess we will just take it day by day and see what happens. I'm going to give her some time to think things through. But I know I'll have to end this if she doesn't leave him.
Here's my take. It sounds like her and her husband just want different things in life. They met when she was 26 and she probably wasn't thinking seriously about children then. They had a (seemingly) happy marriage for 3 years, but then the baby issue slowly drifted them apart. (Her drifting away from him rather than the other way around.) If this is something that she really wants then it makes sense for her to look down an alternative road. No judgement from me.
The way the information was presented, it made the girl sound a little shady to be honest. But I guess that's just because you were in the dark about her situation.
I do think she deserves credit for telling you the truth. Some may question whether or not the husband story is true, but this would not be difficult to corroborate since there are friends of friends involved. I obviously don't know her but she doesn't sound like a bad girl. I think the "bad girl" line was simply her way of vocalizing her feelings of guilt since she's in a tough spot right now. I can imagine how difficult it must be to be in a marriage with someone you love (or have loved), knowing that your future plans don't align.
I'm guessing that her husband is Taiwanese? If so, then he likely comes from a traditional family (most here are) so it's worth mentioning that there would be a loss of face if his wife left him. I mean, not incredibly devastating or anything, but remember that their families probably did the whole wedding thing together and are intertwined socially. She may not love him in exactly the same way anymore, but for her to pick up and leave a comfortable life would be a pretty big shock to the fabric of both circles.
I think she's pretty smart because her potential "Taiwan exit plan" would take her over to the States, away from the relentless emotional barrage that would come from a divorce. What a pain in the ass to have to tell family, friends, coworkers, ex-classmates about the nitty gritty. Fuck that noise. It'd be easier to let the dust (and gossip) settle if she was in a new country.
If you guys really do love each other and you think it could work, then I think you're doing the right thing giving her some time/space to think about the next steps.
My one concern, and it's a big one, is that this new development in her life will convince her husband to just bite the bullet and have kids. She's in her prime and I'm sure the mothers and aunts have been prodding them about this at every family gathering. Don't forget that he's still a major part of her life and he risks losing a lot of social capital if his wife leaves him. Unfortunately, the fact that they may have fallen out of love doesn't trump the convenience, stability, and familiarity the current situation provides. Taiwan is quite risk-averse...so this trait would also apply to her.
It's not impossible, but I think you'd have to make a pretty grand gesture to convince her to drop everything to be with you. I put the family backstory out there not to be negative, but to let you know there are other forces at play. (Unless her parents and his parents are dead.) There's a lot more to consider than just you + her, and him + her.
You mentioned that you're looking to settle down and she wants to have babies. So I suppose the reason the flame is staying alive across oceans is due to those key variables.
I see three options available and none feature the let's-wait-and-see card.
A. Take the conservative approach. Cut off communication and guard yourself so you don't get hurt. See if she makes an effort to contact you. Don't be a pawn in their baby-making dilemma. Pause and ask yourself these questions. Are you really ready to walk through a quagmire of issues? If you guys do get together are you ready to help carry her through the emotional swamp that bubbles up after divorce? Perhaps they've drifted so far apart that she won't feel any remorse after they split. Fair enough. Are you ready to help her get settled into a foreign country? What about her parents? What about work? Are you guys planning to jump right in and start making babies?
The freshness of long-distance love preserves a happy glow...for a while. At some point, I feel that all of these questions will be relevant and will need to be addressed.
B. Swing for the fences. Make that grand gesture. Show her you're the best man. That you WANT to have kids. Tell her that your kids will be raised in a LOVING home, not in a marriage that has slowly fizzled out. Show her that you can take care of her. Fly to Taiwan to meet her. Say that you want to get to know her family. That you want to help TAKE CARE of her family when they get old and you want them to be YOUR family too. That's a good way to try to win her heart, but you can't be a dick and lie about it. It has to be genuine. It can work if you're prepared to go ALL IN. Making a grand gesture, or just mentioning that you'd like to come to Taiwan to see her, will show that you're really serious about this. More importantly, her reaction will also tell how serious she is about you.
C. Sign up for Tinder and find a girl in your area. It won't be as exhilarating or intense, but fuck man, it would certainly be a lot less complicated.