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Stupid useless feelings

A non-threatening place for individuals and couples living in Taiwan to discuss dating and relationship issues

Moderators: Tempo Gain, NonTocareLeTete

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Re: Stupid useless feelings

Postby ranlee » 04 Nov 2015, 16:08

NonTocareLeTete wrote:
schwanification wrote:So, please teach me how not to have expectations (if it's possible)


To some degree, expectations about love are natural and healthy. I think the trick is having enough goodness going on in your own life that it's not devastating when your expectations aren't satisfied. Hobbies, goals, and good friends- we need those so we don't depend too much on success in romantic relationships.


Well said and I very much agree with this statement.

When things go south, no matter what it is, work, school or love life. You should have some kind of safety net to get your mind off of things.

Whether it's photography, exercise, video games, or just an old friend you can chat about anything to. It always help to have something or someone to get your mind off of things when you're feeling down.
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Re: Stupid useless feelings

Postby Icon » 04 Nov 2015, 16:41

schwanification wrote:Thank you for your wisdom, guys. I like how I can ask and always receive impartial but still kind advices. I also liked how the conversation turned to penis sizes :cool: :lol:
Even if he wrote to me again I don't want people to play mind games with me and as you said, Nontocareletete, if it starts like this it can only gets worse. :no-no:
So, please teach me how not to have expectations (if it's possible)


I think expectations are rather like the requisites for a job: this is the minimum this person must have to attain this position. That is what attracts you to them in the first place. He said and did the right things according to you. But as with a job application, it takes two to tango: you thought his qualifications matched your requisites, but he was not interested in fulfilling the job on a permanent basis. Maybe he had other offers he considered better. Maybe he was not looking for this job per se. It was simply not a match this time.

It is awful to feel rejected. Indeed, as NonTocareleTete says, you need a warm blanket when someone throws this ice bucket on you. Especially those of us abroad, alone in some sense. We need somewhere to lick our wounds and get our minds off the downward path of self-loathing, which feels so good to flagellate oneself after a failure, no? Nope. Today we mourn, tomorrow as we say in Spanish echamos pa'lante -we move on, we go forward, we push on. Yep, even while bleeding. I have found chocolates, pets, Supernatural binges and gossip marathons help. Seek the light. Digging deeper into the funk will not help. Forgive yourself for going into the funk in the first place. You are human, of course you feel bad when rejected/neglected. It is Ok to have expectations. It is also as per course to have expectations busted like a balloon. The higher they go, the easier it is to lose track of land. And then the landing becomes a splat. Maybe you need a friend to help pick up the pieces. Just having someone to listen makes a lot of difference.

Wishing you the best out there.
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Re: Stupid useless feelings

Postby schwanification » 08 Nov 2015, 00:20

It actually would be easier if the guy stopped writing to me. He said he's been busy :s but he will always have time for me :neutral: . Then he's not offering a real date. His last message was "When I see something interesting in the movie theather let's go together". That's like saying nothing. I don't really know what to think, since he's been the one searching for me. Maybe he's bored and lonely, who knows. I haven't answered yet anyway.
You guys are right when you say I need to work on my self-esteem, this kind of things are shaking me more than they should. Maybe I should stop drinking soy milk! I read somewhere it has estrogen-like effects. That's why I'm so over emotional :lol:
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Re: Stupid useless feelings

Postby triceratopses » 08 Nov 2015, 06:08

schwanification wrote:That's like saying nothing. I don't really know what to think, since he's been the one searching for me. Maybe he's bored and lonely, who knows. I haven't answered yet anyway.
You guys are right when you say I need to work on my self-esteem, this kind of things are shaking me more than they should. Maybe I should stop drinking soy milk! I read somewhere it has estrogen-like effects. That's why I'm so over emotional :lol:


He's delaying for some reason--the opposite of what people that are interested in each other do. The reason why doesn't matter. Maybe he doesn't like you. Maybe he's too insecure. Maybe he has a gf.

There's nothing wrong with expectations the problem is unrealistic thinking that leads to unrealistic expectations. Basically any time you start taking other people's actions personally, or start making assumptions and then taking those assumptions as actual truth/reality, it means unrealistic thoughts are running around rampantly and you have to spot them and mine them out.

Or just go and distract yourself with pets, friends, chocolate, movies, fun, etc, for a while.
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Re: Stupid useless feelings

Postby Black Beauty » 10 Nov 2015, 13:56

schwanification wrote:It actually would be easier if the guy stopped writing to me. He said he's been busy :s but he will always have time for me :neutral: . Then he's not offering a real date. His last message was "When I see something interesting in the movie theather let's go together". That's like saying nothing. I don't really know what to think, since he's been the one searching for me. Maybe he's bored and lonely, who knows. I haven't answered yet anyway.
You guys are right when you say I need to work on my self-esteem, this kind of things are shaking me more than they should. Maybe I should stop drinking soy milk! I read somewhere it has estrogen-like effects. That's why I'm so over emotional :lol:


It's quite simple what he's doing. Basically if you have a cat and a ball of yarn, always keep it just out of reach for the cat. Once the cat gets it, she will no longer be interested.

He is playing hard to get, keeping you guessing, and it is working. I say good on him - he has clearly mastered something many men struggle with by acting too interested in women and subsequently losing their interest. By acting the way he is, he is able to guarantee a constant supply of sex from you and other women whom he also has on the go.

The movie thing is BS because no guy really cares about watching a movie with a girl. Obviously he can't go completely cold turkey on you otherwise you feelings will gradually fade, so the trick is to text you about once a week just to keep you thinking about him.

You're obviously hot enough for him to continue doing this, so you should be glad. As a woman, life is more exciting for you when you are feeling lovesick over a guy who acts uninterested rather than bored with a guy who is eager to lick your feet so just keep doing what you're doing.
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Re: Stupid useless feelings

Postby NonTocareLeTete » 12 Nov 2015, 23:45

Black Beauty wrote: As a woman, life is more exciting for you when you are feeling lovesick over a guy who acts uninterested rather than bored with a guy who is eager to lick your feet so just keep doing what you're doing.

:lol: really depends on the woman.
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Re: Stupid useless feelings

Postby NonTocareLeTete » 13 Nov 2015, 00:05

Oh, jesus, why do I do this?
I'm going to elaborate.

If you're just having fun, then all that hard to get stuff is fine.
Here's what I've noticed about it long-term though. and this is both as a person who often played hard to get (kind of unintentionally) and someone who was once on the receiving end of such treatment.

The person playing hard to get is orchestrating anxiety in the pursuer-- "Do I like you? Are you good enough for me? Keep chasing and we'll find out!"
But what happens when the chased decides to turn around and say, "Hey, you've proven yourself, I like you, let's try this." ????

Again, in my experience, one of three things:
1) the chaser is like, oh shit, I just like chasing. Now I don't know what to do. I think I'll go find someone else I can pursue because the chase is the fun part for me.

2) the chaser is like, thank god, the anxiety is over, I was so sick of chasing, let's try this- but then the chased realizes that the day to day relationship stuff is rather boring and/or realizes that it was their partner's anxiety that felt like "love" to them. So the only way to feel "loved" is to try to keep their partner anxious, which, while it can be prolonged, (usually by threatening to break up intermittently) will also make the chaser into a shadow of their former selves-it's not so exciting being loved by an anxious wreck.

or 3) I guess it could work out long-term? I mean, I've never seen that happen with people who've made a career of chasing or being cased, but I'm sure it works sometimes.

So basically if you want something that's going to work long-term, try to avoid partners who insist on chasing or being chased, and try to avoid being the kind of person who only likes chasing or being chased. And then focus on 1) being the best most interesting person you can be and 2) genuinely adding value to your partner's life so they won't want to leave you because you're really just that awesome--- not because you're super adept at playing games and inspiring anxiety.

I've seen a lot of people on the internet peddling this idea that, "Women LIKE feeling lovesick, they like the anxiety, that's why you have to keep them on their toes," but shockingly, I've noticed the same thing about men--- their interest flourishes when they're not sure if they've "got" me. So would they like being kept in a heightened state of anxiety long-term? Probably not. I'd be interested to see if someone who sees the opposite sex through this lens has actually managed to build a long-term, supportive, mutually satisfying relationship with a mentally healthy individual.

But I guess it does depend on what your goals are.
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Re: Stupid useless feelings

Postby wafdawg » 11 Dec 2015, 07:29

I've had problems with my pervious marriage to a taiwanese girl. we just couldn't agree on things and she ended up cheating on me. I had loved her still and we worked things out with a web therapist.
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Re: Stupid useless feelings

Postby jesus80 » 11 Dec 2015, 12:42

wafdawg wrote:I've had problems with my pervious marriage to a taiwanese girl. we just couldn't agree on things and she ended up cheating on me. I had loved her still and we worked things out with a web therapist.

Er... "web therapist"?
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Re: Stupid useless feelings

Postby Mr He » 11 Dec 2015, 17:41

When in the initial stages of dating, I would never appear too eager or how about saying creepy?

I would keep the contact, however I would not flood them with it. If they started sending me messages, I would never respond immediately, rather think about the answer before sending it off.

However, if interested, most men would basically make sure that the object of their desire was informed about their existence. The OP should stop messaging the gentleman she is chasing and only reply to anything after at least 24 hours, unless it is an invitation to the cinema the same night.

Turn the tables on him when it comes to how you contact. If he then does not respond by showing interest, his contact details should go into the nearest waste basket.

No matter what you do, do not overcontact him. I have had females messaging me quite a few times per day even before I had carnal knowledge of them, and that was a huge turn-off. Only respond to him.

I disagree that the chaser-chased thing becomes an issue in relationships down the road. I let myself be chased by my wife for nearly 6 months before I gave in originally. That was however not pre-planned, and I did not think about what I was doing, I merely saw her as a beautiful female friend at first.
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