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Would this be a rational for a break up?

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Would this be a rational for a break up?

Postby devasta » 17 Feb 2016, 00:59

I been with my girl for over 6 months. During this course I been evaluating the pros and cons about her in terms of settling down for long term. I don't expect her to be perfect and besides some of her flaws I can compromise but her being antisocial seems it will become damaging to our relationship. She's always unwilling to accompany me when I meet with my friends or acquaintances for any social gatherings like movies, dinner, etc because she tells me she's not comfortable to meet and interact with strangers. I understand everyone's different and maybe it is not a big deal to some but to me at least it's nice to have my gf with me doing social things with group of people. We spoke about this but she's just damn stubborn and not willing compromise. I am having a hard time to decide since in general shes a sweet girl and good to me but unfortunately this behavior is consider a red flag.
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Re: Would this be a rational for a break up?

Postby Chris » 17 Feb 2016, 02:06

Is she Taiwanese and are your friends native speakers of English? She could be shy about her English skills. Or perhaps her social skills. You could ease her into your circle by inviting her to join you and maybe one friend, or a friend who has a Taiwanese partner who she might get along with.
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Re: Would this be a rational for a break up?

Postby ranlee » 17 Feb 2016, 09:44

My gf (who's a local) was like this when we first started dating and I was in the same boat as you.

Not only did I bring her along to 100% English speaking groups, but we would also only talk about cycling. Which she has no interest in. I made this mistake very early on and it resulted in a long time where I would show up to social gatherings alone.

It took a lot of time for her to ease into the group. I started off with double dating with a foreign couple (one of which was pretty fluent in Chinese and the other understood a little). She slowly started feeling comfortable around English speakers and was willing to come out for a drink or a meal with my friends.

You also have to put yourself in her shoes. If you were going to social gatherings where you couldn't understand a single word the people were talking about, you'd refrain from going in the future too, right? I know Taiwan may be an exception because there's gotta be that one person in the group that understands English, but for arguments sake, let's say there isn't. A few times I went out to meet her friends and even though they were speaking Chinese, I couldn't understand the higher level of vocabulary used and was completely lost. Another time I met with the gf and her co-workers and they were jibber jabbering away about work things and I had no way to relate.

If she's sweet and a good girl, it's worth trying, right? If she's finding excuses, throwing tantrums, and getting angry for no reason when you invite her out, it's time to re-evaluate again and see if you guys can continue. My advice is, to find people that speak both fluent English and Chinese. Like Chris said, start small. Meet with one friend, then meet his/her significant other and so on and so forth. If it's tough finding new friends, once your gf is warmed up to one of your friends, have them invite their local friends/gf/bf along. Letting her know that so and so will be there, so she will have someone to chat with, will ease her concerns.

It may take some time, but if you see a future with her, you gotta be a little patient. 6-8 months is always a crucial part of a blossoming relationship!

Good luck!
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Re: Would this be a rational for a break up?

Postby triceratopses » 17 Feb 2016, 10:07

Start going to out together alone. It will slowly start to change her habit and she will get used to being outside. For example go for walks in the park, start riding together, start bodyboarding, whatever.
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Re: Would this be a rational for a break up?

Postby SuperS54 » 17 Feb 2016, 12:37

Does she have friends of her own that she meets up with?
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Re: Would this be a rational for a break up?

Postby Naughtius » 17 Feb 2016, 13:34

Unless she were trying to hide something, I don't see how her not wanting to hang out with your friends is a "red flag". Some people just don't feel as comfortable meeting a bunch of new people as others. She should be considering breaking up with you for trying to force her out of her comfort zone and not accepting who she is. Pretty selfish if you ask me. You should let her be herself, if that doesn't match with what you want, find someone who has the same feelings about socializing as you do.
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Re: Would this be a rational for a break up?

Postby nonredneck » 17 Feb 2016, 18:58

I'd say yes. You seem to like to socialize differently than her. This is a potential long term problem. Either you go out without her in the future or you ditch your friends and stop doing activities you like. If either one is a problem for you, probably best to call it off.
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Re: Would this be a rational for a break up?

Postby RickRooney » 18 Feb 2016, 10:56

doesn't seem terrible. some people have social anxiety, its not a nice thing, I have no idea about the details of her problem so its kind of hard to give advice but you didn't seem to elaborate on it either. you seem a bit inconsiderate.

there was another post where you were considering splitting up with her before. so she is sweet and you borrow money from her but you need to consider splitting up every few months ? maybe you should take a look at yourself before you criticise your gf.
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Re: Would this be a rational for a break up?

Postby finley » 18 Feb 2016, 11:34

What ranlee said. It could be she's just trying to tell you politely she finds your friends boring. :D

Does she have friends that you hang out with together? Do you have any social circle that you spend time with? If so, I don't see a big problem. Being allowed out with your friends without the ball-n-chain in tow is not a bad thing.

I've not read the other posts RR alludes to, but if you want to break up then break up. It's not fair to string her along if you're bored with her company.
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