Click here to go to our new forums at http://tw.forumosa.com
If you are a Forumosan Regular, when you log in for the FIRST TIME, you must RESET your password by using the Password Recovery system.

Usernames on the new forums must not contain any SPACES and must end with LETTER or a NUMBER; if yours does, you will be prompted to change your Username
Contact us at admin(at)forumosa(dot)com or @forumosa on Twitter or on our Facebook Page if you have any questions or problems logging back in

Looking for advice following divorce threat

A non-threatening place for individuals and couples living in Taiwan to discuss dating and relationship issues

Moderators: Tempo Gain, NonTocareLeTete

Forum rules
The Dating and Relationship Forum is a non-threatening place for individuals and couples living in Taiwan to discuss dating and relationship issues, including: love, romance, sex, communications, familial relationships, cultural issues, activities for couples, psychology, marriage, dating (i.e. "how to meet")

Please don't post personal ads here. They will be removed. Offensive posts will also be removed at the discretion of the moderators, including lewdness, excessive profanity, pornographic pictures, nasty and mean-spirited comments

If a post is moved to the Temporary Forum or edited, this is probably because the post is either off topic or violates one of the "general etiquette" rules. We'd like to keep this forum as open and friendly as possible - please keep these things in mind when posting. Thank you for your cooperation

Re: Looking for advice following divorce threat

Postby chalouie » 22 Apr 2016, 06:52

Well said Zla'od. Those questions are important, but tough to ask. And answer clearly and honestly. Maybe they could make notes first. Are you a marriage counselor?
chalouie
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
 
Posts: 112
Joined: 13 Apr 2005, 23:18



Re: Looking for advice following divorce threat

Postby Zla'od » 22 Apr 2016, 09:13

Thank you, Chalouie, but no, I'm a civilian. Are you one, by any chance? I've known some family therapists, and don't envy them their task.

I vaguely recall a study of the main ways couples resolve conflicts--either by (a) talking it over like civilized people, (b) ignoring the problem and pretending that everything is okay, or (c) having a knock-down, drag-out fight, and then making up with equal passion. Anyway, all three of these methods can be found in successful marriages, but problems arise when (for instance) one partner wants to discuss the problem, and the other wants to fight. I wonder if that's happening here.
“What part of a woman is the yet, anyway? I heard there was a fight here in Tulsa, and a woman was shot in the fracas. The doc said the bullet is in her yet. And how did the bullet get in her yet, when she was shot in the fracas?"
Zla'od
Martyr's Shrine Guard (zhōngliècí wèibīng)
Martyr's Shrine Guard (zhōngliècí wèibīng)
 
Posts: 1702
Joined: 05 Aug 2009, 08:36



Re: Looking for advice following divorce threat

Postby Icon » 22 Apr 2016, 09:20

StiffUpperLip wrote:Thanks for your replies. It's far from certain this will happen, but it's been threatened so many times I might as well be prepared if it comes to the worst. I've not been here continuously - just two and a half years this time around. I wasn't aware you could get residency here after a certain number of years if you were married to a Taiwan national.

I've done a little reading and see now there can be negotiation in a divorce in which the party being divorced has a lot of leeway to move. Well, it's nice to know anyway.

Chinese lessons would be great, but not until I have a steadier source of income. My understanding is they don't come cheap.


1. As a foreign spouse, you have the right to Chinese lessons in local schools. Very, very cheap if not free. You also have the right to special training -for opening a business for example, and even loans. So money is not an issue. Not the best lessons but it is a start. And anyways, learning Chinese depends on the work you do in the real world -practice, practice- not the classroom. Most famous Chinese learning institutions in Taiwan suck. They most use the same book, from 1950s, so it really doesn't matter which one you choose.

2. If you do not want to get divorced, just do not sign the papers. Then she would have to prove you are unfaithful -careful there, if you ar vulnerable, she can send a comon friend to seduce you, as it happened to one of my Taiwanese classmates- or she can frame you to look as if you have hit her -also seen that- or any other dirty tricks -a quick look at the boards here will give you plenty of samples of how low people can go.

In summary, if she wants you out, you have to be ready for all kinds of trickery, manipulation and entrapment.
Lo urgente no deja tiempo para lo importante. Mafalda.

None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an after thought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else.
User avatar
Icon
Guan Yin (Guānyīn)
 
Posts: 19075
Joined: 09 Feb 2006, 18:03
Location: Xindian



Re: Looking for advice following divorce threat

Postby RickRooney » 22 Apr 2016, 12:40

seems you are not very independent here and she is using that card against you as a power trip. it seems to be working as you are quite fearful of what will become of you if she divorced you.

I had a similar thing with my ex for the first few months that I was in taiwan(met her in the uk then moved here). never had a single regret about finishing with her, only a lot of relief.

I think the first thing you should do is become as independent as you can so you don't need to rely on her for anything. that would remove the power she has over you at least. if worst comes to worst visa runs are every 90 days not monthly. its not difficult to rent a place and shouldn't be too expensive either. there's no reason to be shitting your pants over this.
RickRooney
High School Triad Member (gāozhōng liúmáng)
High School Triad Member (gāozhōng liúmáng)
 
Posts: 579
Joined: 31 Jan 2015, 20:30



Re: Looking for advice following divorce threat

Postby chalouie » 22 Apr 2016, 22:18

Zla'od ,

You're right about the avenues for conflict resolution. Those all work.

I'm not a marriage counselor, but couples who seek guidance impress me. I guess my wife and I are resigned to the fact that we co-exist peacefully (3/4 of the time) with an ever increasingly wide array of differences/preferences. We're past the ten-year mark with two sons. Our work, taking care of the boys' wants and needs and our own selfish pleasures occupy our time. I know we both have a lot to say to each other that never gets said...

Stiffupperlip's situation makes me wonder if I should just switch my visa over from marriage to APRC in case of a divorce one day. I've thought about switching it before, but it seems like bad luck.
chalouie
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
 
Posts: 112
Joined: 13 Apr 2005, 23:18



Re: Looking for advice following divorce threat

Postby Icon » 25 Apr 2016, 14:10

chalouie wrote:Zla'od ,

You're right about the avenues for conflict resolution. Those all work.

I'm not a marriage counselor, but couples who seek guidance impress me. I guess my wife and I are resigned to the fact that we co-exist peacefully (3/4 of the time) with an ever increasingly wide array of differences/preferences. We're past the ten-year mark with two sons. Our work, taking care of the boys' wants and needs and our own selfish pleasures occupy our time. I know we both have a lot to say to each other that never gets said...

Stiffupperlip's situation makes me wonder if I should just switch my visa over from marriage to APRC in case of a divorce one day. I've thought about switching it before, but it seems like bad luck.


Chalouie, it is normal for couples to drift apart and come back. as long as you know you have each otehr as safe port and follow the same beacon home. Just do not wait until too late to say what you have in your heart and ask for what you want.

AS to the APRC, without it, you ar in a much worse position. A marriage should be a relationship of equals, and at this moment, in the eyes of the law, NOW you are at the mercy of Fate. You want to invoke bad luck? Anything that may happen to your spouse -we are not thinking about divorce here, but an accident, an illness, whatever- will jepopardize your stay and limit your choices for actions. Especially if you have children, you cannot risk it: get an APRC NOW. As a foreigner, it is already hard enough. Do not wait until you need it. By the time of a divorce or worst, death/illness, it is too late. heck, and if I sound too tragic, just imagine if you delay/have an overstay. I cannot begin to tell you how much mafan that is for married folk -singles, too, but somehow married folk believe they have it easier... ocassionally. Not to say, what about if a passport is misplaced/expired but is not convenient/possible to get a new one at that moment? Better cover your derriere. APRC. Not an all healing salve, but like aspirin, will do for most headaches.
Lo urgente no deja tiempo para lo importante. Mafalda.

None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an after thought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else.
User avatar
Icon
Guan Yin (Guānyīn)
 
Posts: 19075
Joined: 09 Feb 2006, 18:03
Location: Xindian



Re: Looking for advice following divorce threat

Postby BrentGolf » 26 Apr 2016, 04:16

You should be aware though that getting a permanent ARC when you've had your ARC through marriage does sometimes require your wife to help you complete the process. They do have the right to inspect your situation and try to determine whether you are actually married or whether you're just doing it for papers. They can do drop in inspections of your home, your photo albums, question family and friends, which would include your wife, and if they deem you are not legitimately married or won't likely be for very much longer, they can deny it. It can be as simple as proving you've had an ARC for 5 years, but it can also be quite a bit more involved.

Also as has been mentioned, divorce in Taiwan is only quick if both parties agree. If they do, it can be done in minutes. If they don't, there's almost no recourse to get one. They don't appear to have anything like "irreconcilable differences" here, so if one person says no it's basically a no go on the divorce. That's why people have to try to prove infidelity, or physical / emotional abuse, mistreatment of kids if there are any, financial fraud, or anything they can come up with to push for a divorce.

I'm not sure why you'd want to be with someone who wants to divorce, but you could simply say no if you wanted to. Perhaps she can pay you off by assisting you in getting an APRC, then part ways.

Step one is to become completely independent. Not only will that help you now if you do get divorced, but I suspect the fact that you're not has at least something to do with why the divorce word comes up in arguments. You gotta remember, Taiwanese culture puts even more pressure on the men to support the woman than in your UK culture. If you're not financially independent, your wife will be bombarded on all sides by family and friends continuously to go find a man who is. She may not say it out loud, but my guess is your financial situation has something to do with this. Just saying..... Fixing that would help all around. Good luck my friend.
Market leading investment returns with unparalleled risk management. Aspiring to help people rid themselves of the burdens of the financial industry and get on the right track to financial freedom.

http://www.VolatilityTradingStrategies.com

http://www.ProsperitasAssetManagement.com

http://www.BrentGolf.com
BrentGolf
Immune to Breathalizers (jiǔ cèce bù chūlái)
Immune to Breathalizers (jiǔ cèce bù chūlái)
 
Posts: 2011
Joined: 10 Dec 2010, 18:20
Location: Taipei, Taiwan



Re: Looking for advice following divorce threat

Postby RockOn » 26 Apr 2016, 12:25

Wish I had the guts to divorce the-bane-of-my-existence. Now, I'm stuck in hell for my kid's sake. My excuse-for-a-wife threatens me constantly with divorce, even in front of our kid. And now she wants a second kid! She's fucking crazy. Count yourself lucky that you don't have kids.
User avatar
RockOn
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
 
Posts: 110
Joined: 30 Aug 2014, 01:04
In Taiwan since: 04 Jun 2005



Re: Looking for advice following divorce threat

Postby RoyVonDoom » 26 Apr 2016, 15:52

RockOn wrote:Wish I had the guts to divorce the-bane-of-my-existence. Now, I'm stuck in hell for my kid's sake. My excuse-for-a-wife threatens me constantly with divorce, even in front of our kid. And now she wants a second kid! She's fucking crazy. Count yourself lucky that you don't have kids.


I think that's easy to interpret. She still loves you and wants to keep you but wants your to attention. Not sure attention to what but might be what you discussing when she "wants a divorce". Maybe try sitting her down reassuring her and spend more time with her?
RoyVonDoom
Ink Still Wet in Passport (shífēn xīnshǒu)
Ink Still Wet in Passport (shífēn xīnshǒu)
 
Posts: 15
Joined: 18 Dec 2015, 11:22
In Taiwan since: 31 Dec 2005



Re: Looking for advice following divorce threat

Postby chalouie » 26 Apr 2016, 20:22

Icon and BrentGolf,

Thanks for the input about the marriage visa vs. the APRC. It's worth considering making a change. I'll have some time to go down there this summer and talk it through at the immigration office. They're usually pretty helpful, so I may just go check it out with them. Thanks!
chalouie
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
Mastered ordering "beer" in Chinese (jīngtōng le yòng Guóyǔ shuō "píjiǔ")
 
Posts: 112
Joined: 13 Apr 2005, 23:18



FRIENDLY REMINDER
   Please remember that Forumosa is not responsible for the content that appears on the other side of links that Forumosans post on our forums. As a discussion website, we encourage open and frank debate. We have learned that the most effective way to address questionable claims or accusations on Forumosa is by engaging in a sincere and constructive conversation. To make this website work, we must all feel safe in expressing our opinions, this also means backing up any claims with hard facts, including links to other websites.
   Please also remember that one should not believe everything one reads on the Internet, particularly from websites whose content cannot be easily verified or substantiated. Use your common sense and do not hesitate to ask for proof.
PreviousNext




Return to Dating & Relationships



Who is online

Forumosans browsing this forum: No Forumosans and 2 guests