What is expected of the husband during 坐月子 (zuo yue zi/sitting month)?

[ustky]

Hi Forum,

My wife is just one month pregnant, but she is already concerned that I won't know what to do during 坐月子 zuo yue zi. As a typical uninformed westerner , I never knew such a thing existed until a few weeks ago. At first she asked if I would agree to have someone come live with us for that month to perform the duties. I replied that I could handle by myself whatever she needed, but she got very concerned about this and is worried I might screw it up.

I guess now I realize that there is more to it than just taking care of her and the baby, not to mention our other two young boys. [ a few points of clarification: the boys are adopted, so I never experienced the birth process before, this is my first. Also, unlike most traditional Taiwanese families, we live alone. My wife's mother passed away when she was young, her father lives far away and siblings are either irresponsible-gambling-betel-nut-chewing-drinking brothers or already-committed-to-their-husband's-families sisters. ]

At this point I assume we will have someone come stay with us to do all the traditional things, cook the required foods and whatnot. But as her husband, what is expected of me? Should I act a particular way toward her? Should I coddle and comfort her, or stay out of her way during that month? I will certainly have my hands full taking care of the two boys (3 and 4 years old) but I want to make sure I do exactly what I am supposed to do. This is especially important considering the email she sent me today, with a link to this article (sorry, Chinese only):
http://tw.nextmedia.com/applenews/artic ... D/20110819

Apparently this young woman in Taoyuan was so distraught that her family didn't properly handle the first month that she decided to commit suicide with her 1-month old child. Fortunately the cops rescued her. So... obviously this is serious stuff!

I ask anyone who has a Taiwanese spouse and has been through this before, or if you just happen to know, please help me understand what I'm supposed to do.

Thanks!!

[Dragonbones]

Hi ustky, if your wife sounds concerned and thinks you might screw it up, then by all means, let her hire the help she wants. They'll take care of everything else, you take care of the boys, and just be there to fetch whatever she needs, fill in when the help is away, change diapers as needed, handle the camera and videocamera, etc. Fill in on any housework and cooking and shopping she might normally do, and pamper her more than usual.

Should I coddle and comfort her, or stay out of her way during that month?

Yes.

(By which I mean, whichever she seems to prefer at any given moment. But generally the former.)

[Jaboney]

Some of the traditional practices are nutty. Some make a good deal of sense. Play along. She'll be happy. Focus on taking care of the kids, changing diapers, and things will go swimmingly.

[sandman]

There are countless companies that provide and deliver all the stuff your wife will feel she needs. She will be able to help you choose one. So, that's the food angle taken care of right there. (I suggest NOT letting her have the kidneys stewed in rice wine -- that stuff is GOOOOOOD!) As for the rest, yeah, you'll basically be stuck taking care of the other wee ones for the first month. Its a weird concept, but it is deeply, deeply ingrained in the culture here. I suggest simply sucking it up and holding your tongue. This is experience talking -- me, for instance, spent far too long describing how Bantu women simply bugger off into the bush for an afternoon, drop the sprog, clean up a little bit, gather water and firewood and head back to the village, while hubby chews kola nuts and tells his mates what a great father he is.
With hindsight, I wouldn't have done that.

[Tempo Gain]

Now that you're getting someone to handle things, all you have to do is stay out of the way. Just take care of the kids and keep them out of her hair. Good decision, there's no way you could have prepared all the food and stuff. Even if you knew how, you would probably reel at the amount of alcohol used and lack of vegetables.

Be bastion against stuff like honey solution as a food for infants, dangerous apparently but sometimes used here. Save foot for when it really needs to be put down strategy. If you can get all parties to agree to minimize amount of alcohol and maximize veggies for the wife that has to be a good thing, imo. But in reality you probably won't have much say here. no use banging head against wall.

Kind of a weird e-mail. You should try to put her mind at ease that someone will be there to take care of her when the time comes. Get it sorted exactly what will be happening. There are even centers where your wife could stay for the month, they handle the whole thing. To be clear where I'm coming from, I doubt the whole concept of zuoyuezi has much validity beyond the obvious value of getting some rest. Then again taiwanese ladies do seem to age pretty well, so who knows. BUT and this is they key point, psychologically it's of huge importance. If it were me I'd be quaking imagining how many ways a foreigner could fork it up If it doesn't go well it could be one of those things that gets looked at down the road as the source of all ailments and travails.

[Dragonbones]

I should add that we didn't do the zuo4yue4zi thing because Dragonbabe didn't want to. She thinks it's unnecessary.



But had she wanted to, I would have pointed out that Bantu women simply bugger off into the bush for an afternoon, drop the sprog, clean up a little bit, gather water and firewood and head back to the village, while hubby chews kola nuts and tells his mates what a great father he is.


Edit: No, I would have bit my tongue and played along. As has been pointed out, it's part of the culture here, and besides, after your wife has been through the discomfort and agony of pregnancy and giving birth, if she wants a little pampering, she has it coming.

[StuartCa]

If you have the funds she could stay in a mother and baby hotel (sorry don't know the Chinese), they're about 5K per day or you can get a company to deliver all the pre-prepared meals which will be cheaper.

3 years on I'm still not forgiven for getting my wife out of the house before the month was up!! Trust me and the others when we say that you're better of doing what the wife wants or you'll pay for it.

[pqkdzrwt]

Sorry to hear about the in-laws, Normally I would have recommended having her mom come and stay with you for a month. Normally any issues related with the mother inlaw staying, will be offset greatly by the help she will be.

Hopefully you can find someone to come in and help!

[pqkdzrwt]

Some of it I think makes sense, some of it maybe used to make sense a long time ago..

ie Not going out with the baby for 1 month, got to be a good thing right?
Eating things that are designed to help recover from losing so much blood and help the body heal?

[sandman]

This is experience talking -- me, for instance, spent far too long describing how Bantu women simply bugger off into the bush for an afternoon, drop the sprog, clean up a little bit, gather water and firewood and head back to the village, while hubby chews kola nuts and tells his mates what a great father he is.
With hindsight, I wouldn't have done that.

While I've never heard of this, it seems if you consider the practice from a different perspective, Westerners do basically the same thing.
I'm sure you can think of at least a few families where the wife's mother came to take care of shop, or they had a wet nurse for the first month or so, or maybe just have the nanny stay a few extra hours every week.

I guess since it seems to be more a structured system, you might feel like "What am I supposed to do!?" but just think of how it would be in your home country. I honestly doubt a new family would be left to their lonesome to take care of a new baby without family or friends stopping by with food, gifts, offers to run errand, etc.

Well, Lili, that's the whole point, really. Despite my banter, there is really a lot of truth in what I say on this issue. And its not THAT far removed from YOUR idea of the truth. As you have seen, there are those who want to go the whole hog with the nanny and the constant care and the "not washing your hair for a month" etc. And there are those who think that a lot of it is balderdash. But if it is YOUR old lady on the receiving end, I stand by my statement. She's just had a wean -- YOURS! -- so if she deems it necessary for you to dance naked under the stars chanting "Kunta Kinte!" or if she'd prefer a nice steak dinner when she's fit enough, then I say "go for it!"
Sure, the conception and the raising is a joint effort, but the actual squeezing-out-of-the-watermelon was HER job, and HERS alone. If she want a bits of pampering after that, I'd say: "How far do you want me to jump? How high?"
And I'm STILL saying it. And loving it.