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Oh shit! - Just found out that my wife is pregnant

Welcome to Forumosa's corner for moms and dads to talk about the issues involved in parenting in Taiwan.

Re: Oh shit! - Just found out that my wife is pregnant

Postby tommy525 » 20 Jun 2012, 12:49

Congrats. Its great to be still young when your child is old enough to hang out with you. When the child is 20 you are only 44. Better then he is 20 and you are 64.
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Re: Oh shit! - Just found out that my wife is pregnant

Postby Jive Turkey » 20 Jun 2012, 13:11

OP, congratulations to you and your wife. I hope the pregnancy goes well.

Being a dad has been the hardest, most important thing I have done in life. I became one at the age of 30, and like you, there were a lot of things I wanted to do like improve my Chinese or do a PhD. Having a child has slowed all of that down, but I have no regrets about it whatsoever. In fact, having a child has forced me to re-evaluate just how worthwhile a lot of my previous goals were, and has caused me to set a few new personal, non-fatherhood-related goals. It has also caused me to mature in ways that I otherwise would not have. I bet a lot of other dads would say the same, and I bet that 6 years from now, when the little one is in primary school and you finally have a chance to catch your breath, you will have similar feelings about it all.
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Re: Oh shit! - Just found out that my wife is pregnant

Postby ChewDawg » 20 Jun 2012, 13:15

Like Omni, I never planned to settle down. I traveled a lot in my formative years (spent two years in Australia growing up), spent over half my life as an expat or international student, and used to frown upon breeders who seemed to live life to have babies/concentrate fully on family. :lol:

All I can say is that it changes when you find the right woman. I left a pretty awesome gig in Taiwan to come back to North America so that my stepkids could enjoy great schooling and a stress-free educational system. My wife had a new baby in 2010. Since she's had that baby, we still have had a few international trips so that I don't get too bored. I miss the internationalism and diverse expats in Taiwan, but watching stepkids thrive in new educational settings, watching my toddler play in a large backyard surrounded fully by extended family, and having the time to sail, bbq, own a home/enjoy home improvement type of projects, and work in a fulfilling job with work-life balance has made me think I made the right decision for the family.

I miss being selfish though and living the nomad lifestyle. However, there comes a time where you have to put others first. :2cents:

That the OP will be going through this at 24 makes me think he'll grow up pretty quickly. I held out to my late 20s (not as late as Omni).
So I got an expresso and a hot burrito!
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Re: Oh shit! - Just found out that my wife is pregnant

Postby sandman » 20 Jun 2012, 15:06

What a rich, carefree, pleasure-filled life I could still be leading if I hadn’t fallen into the fathering trap. If I were to wind back the clock and be given the choice of remaining childless or letting life take me where it has, it would surely be irrational, close to madness, for me to opt for the latter.

And that, my friend, is where we differ. I had my first chance at around 40. Alas, she was taken from us after a mere nine days of heartache. Took a decade to get our current bundle of joy. I wouldn't wind back the clock for anything in the world. Irrational, madness? Maybe. But that little shit fulfils me in a way I would not ever have believed possible.
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Re: Oh shit! - Just found out that my wife is pregnant

Postby superking » 20 Jun 2012, 15:15

sandman wrote: But that little shit fulfils me in a way I would not ever have believed possible.

It's been wonderful watching you get joy from the little shit too. :D

Congrats to the OP. :bravo:
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Re: Oh shit! - Just found out that my wife is pregnant

Postby Milkybar_Kid » 20 Jun 2012, 17:41

Many Thanks for all of the truly amazing responses. You have all transformed a great day into a truly fantastic one.
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Re: Oh shit! - Just found out that my wife is pregnant

Postby EddieG » 20 Jun 2012, 20:46

Welcome to the club! The good thing is now you'll never have to think about if now is the time. I met my wife at 24 but we had our kid at 29. If your wife is the right person for you I think that the timing could never be better.

Don't buy tons of new stuff. Give a lot of love. Meet nice people. Be aware that you need to give yourself some time alone and with friends. Be aware that your wife needs it too. Never forget why you love your wife and make sure she knows it.
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Re: Oh shit! - Just found out that my wife is pregnant

Postby ceevee369 » 20 Jun 2012, 21:16

Milkybar_Kid wrote:Many Thanks for all of the truly amazing responses. You have all transformed a great day into a truly fantastic one.

The biggest day still has to come when most share a tear seeing the unborn born. :thumbsup:
A lot of great advice as words from all posters.

One said once to me (having been in your place at a later stage in life)
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Re: Oh shit! - Just found out that my wife is pregnant

Postby sulavaca » 20 Jun 2012, 21:31

Milkybar_Kid wrote:We have recently found out that my wife is pregnant.

Bummer! I'd love to say congratulations, but I wouldn't be feeling it I'm afraid. It always sounds like a Cliché when I hear it. Just like when people tell me that pregnant women look beautiful. That's actually the only thing I don't think when I see a pregnant woman. Sorry ladies. I know that sounds cruel, but it really is what I feel, and I'm only trying my best to be honest.
Kids are stress, financial burdens, worries, messes, and full of restrictions in life. If I could do it all again, then I wouldn't have one. Of course its hard for most people to say that once they've had a kid, because you love it, and then don't want to give it up, even though it provides all of the above.

My best words of advice, based on my own feelings and experience is "don't have kids." I also think the world has enough of them already.

Sorry for the downer. Please ignore me if I upset you.

Hey, just sometimes though, you might have the time to appreciate having one, in between all the business of looking after it.

I prefer turtles. They are cute, they can go for weeks without food, and they don't scream when they're bored, tired, hungry, too dry, too wet, just grumpy, or anything. They don't demand that you spend weeks on end choosing the right school, redecorate the spare room, spend countless mountains of money on STUFF which you never would have dreamed of needing. They don't need you to tuck them in and read them stories when you've just pulled a fifteen hour work day in order to meet the rising costs of raising them. Hell, you don't even need a second job to raise turtles!
And if you really, really get sick to death of them, then you can always pass them off to a friend who thinks they're cute.
I had a great time with my turtles, while I had them. And I only needed to clean their tank once a week! Almost bliss!

Oh, I forgot to mention.. My wife never turned me down for sex, due to the state or situation which my turtles were in.
Turtles won't affect your love life at all! Your wife will still think that you are more important than your turtles, and you won't be mad at her for playing with them and even cleaning them out once in a while. Turtles don't make you the second most important person in the room after everything else!

My friends also loved my turtles. They would take them out and play with them when they came around for a BBQ. The turtles would just have a great time, scampering around on the floor while everyone else got stuffed full of food and got drunk. The next day I could lay in bed as long as I wanted, if it wasn't for my kid who needed my attention. My turtles never moaned that I'd been up all night drinking, but shit! My kid certainly would let me know about it!
I never once had to take my turtles to the vet, and I didn't need insurance to keep them for the fear of an astronomical hospital bill.
On quite a few occasions my turtles got colds. They would actually sneeze every time they got one, and they would be off their food for a day or two. I didn't once take them to a vet, and they got well, all by themselves.
My kid? Crap! If he sneezed once, my wife would have him straight down to the doctor and stuff him full of powdery substances and gooey liquid. I don't know what the hell it was for, but apparently is was necessary. Also, apparently I didn't care enough for his health because I didn't actually want to send him to the doctor at all. This was a big 'No-No" and it proved what such a careless father I was. :eh:
Never the less, my turtles trooped on and didn't seem to die at all. Not even a hint of death was there in the turtle tank, and even amongst all that poo that would sometimes build up.

My kid had to have twenty plus immunizations before he was allowed to go to school in Taiwan. Over twenty I tell you! What were they for? I don't know. I just know we had to take him to the hospital every now and again, and he would cry, and we would be there to comfort him and offer him words of comfort to let him understand why in fact we didn't really know why he was there either, but the government said it was necessary.
My turtles didn't have a single jab. Not one! Imagine that!
I can't even figure out how turtles even exist these days without jabs!

My kid got into a fight at school not long ago, and this led to quite a few kids at school fighting. I had to visit the school and explain that I was concerned. We had to find him another school. A rather more expensive one too!
My turtles would rarely fight. I think they did once or twice, but then the bigger one won, and then the smaller one didn't bother again after that. I didn't even bother to buy a second tank and social services didn't seem to care at all. I didn't get any phone call, or even a single letter. It just shows you what the government think about turtles. A damned travesty if you ask me.

Why aren't there turtle councilors? Surely there must be a market for them?!
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Re: Oh shit! - Just found out that my wife is pregnant

Postby bismarck » 20 Jun 2012, 21:33

Milkybar_Kid wrote:We have recently found out that my wife is pregnant. The news that I may become a father has left me a little bit muddle- headed and I just need somewhere to put it all down.

Firstly this isn't an unplanned pregnancy. Me and my wife have both wanted to have kids someday and recently stopped using contraception. However I didn't realise that everything would move so quickly so to speak.

I believe that we will both be good parents and try our best. However at 24 years old I do feel a bit young for all of this. I have a lot to learn and am unsure of what I can offer my child. Although me and my wife have a very happy and comfortable personal life we both consider our lifestyle to be very poor. I am a soon-to-be unemployed English Teacher and my wife has to work long hours putting up with a lot of shit for a very low salary. Money is tight and the taofang that we live in is so poor we are seriously considering moving back in with my wifes parents.

How can I bring a child into such a world? I remember my own childhood being so idyllic; roaming free in the English countryside, our own home and car for the family and everything that I ever wanted as a child. How my mum achieved all of this as a single mum of 5 kids I still do not know!?! If I put this in contrast to our current situation it makes me feel so down. My wife and I have slightly over $NT300,000 to our names with no sight of our own home, car or nice possessions in sight.

I still want to achieve so much in my life. I want to continue with my Chinese language studies, complete a masters degree and find a career path where I can grow and progress to provide a comfortable life for my family. Does all of this need to go out of the window when I have a kid?

Finally I want to say that I do understand that there are people in this world who have it a lot worse than I do. At times I consider myself very fortunate to have everything that I do so please don't interpret this post as a whinging moan.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Mate, I don't have much to say atm, but perhaps I'll come back later (after the weekend) and give you some more words of encouragement.

That said, I'll leave you with this: I totally understand how you feel. Take a few deep breaths. Tell your wife you love her. Hold her tight tonight when you go to sleep and know that no one is ever really ready.
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