sick of being insulted

[fu xiao]

And all I've been doing since my last prenatal is watching my ultra-sound DVD and trying to figure out if my baby will be ugly or not...and the conclusion is: NO BABY OR CHILD LOOKS UGLY TO THE PARENTS AND NOBODY ELSE HAS THE RIGHT TO GIVE A NEGATIVE JUDGEMENT!!!!!

Whoa, don't be looking to your ultrasound for your baby's looks. Any parent whose had those done, will tell you that they are much good for anything other than measuring the size of your baby's head and counting organs. My Sabrina looked like a deformed mutant alien with Down's Syndrome in her ultrasound, but check out our website and you'll see she looks just like a "yang wa wa" (caucasian doll in Chinese.)

You need to tone down all of the worrying fu xiao. Eat well, sleep well, and relax. Those are the best things you can be doing for your baby now. When it pops out you will have this unbeleiveably beautiful package (well, as previously posted, they aren't that pretty at first, but you get the idea) and have no idea what to do with it. Get a little support from your hubby in dealing with all that negativity from your family. Not good energy for your baby to be around.

Thanks for your support jwbrunken.

You know the TW family arent being that great to me either. The past 6 months or so, ive had to put up with his tempermental father whom doesnt seem to like me at all. And, treats me like a house slave, demanding that I do this and that I do that....rediculous manners he has got. Thats the everyday stress I have to deal with and ive got no other choice but to endure it.

And, now my hubby seems to think that with his new company he can swarn off on business trips every month or as he likes. Im 7 months pregnant for jezzz sakes...but my hubby thinks money and his business are more important than being with his wife. If he gets into this habit then maybe he'll miss my baby's birth..but he doesnt think like that does he, he's an Asian man..

I even need help to climb out of the chair these days cos my baby bump is getting to big..

[fu xiao]

ohh...nobody loves me in TW

Im just aittle emotional these days..

[Highway Star]

Fu Xiao, no-one has the right to tell you your baby is ugly, particularly if it's not even arrived yet.
I sometimes think local 'frankness' is an excuse for blatant rudeness and we as foreigners don't have to subscribe to it.

I think the only way to put people in their place like that is to fight fire with fire. EG. They say something 'your baby's head is too round', tell them 'at least it doesn't look like he/she was hit with a frikkin pan like your kid '...Usually shuts them up.
Unless it's complimentary..Tell them to fuck off!


The women in my wife's family all desperately wanted to see my boy's genitalia, so I let them take a look just to shut them up. They were all amazed that my 2 week old's twig and berries are bigger than his 2 year old cousin's!!

As far as your hubby's dad, if he's not showing respect for you - screw him. Dont let it get you down and treat him exactly as he treats you. Older Taiwanese men can be chauvinist assholes. . You have the right to say something if you think you're being ill treated.

You have been listening to Dr Dazz............

[jwbrunken]

I would recommend handling the situation with a little more politeness and sensitivity to culture norms in Taiwan. Your father-in-law is just acting the way most Taiwanese men his age do. In my wife's family, mommy does everything around the house and serves the husband, even now that he is retired. Younger generations of women are expereincing more equality in the relationship than their mothers, but, as you are finding out with your husband, a lot of the old ways are still there. The best way to handle this is to hav e you husband explain to your father-in-law that in your culture women aren't slaves to the men of the house and that you are tired and pregnant. He is a grown man and can take care of himself. If your husband refuses to help you with this, as eh might because alot of Taiwanese have a difficult time going against the wishes of their parents, especially the father, then pretend to be really tired or sick from the pregnancy and unable to do those things. Touch your head, look uncomfortable and say, "Wo hen lei. Wo tou tong le." He won't aska gain, and you won't offend him by refusing to help.

Men, in general, tend to spend more time at work during a pregnancy and after childbith. Some say it is because he may be taking being the breadwinner more seriously and others beleive it is because he is lacking some of the attention of old because of the new presence. Well, business in Taiwan is cuthroat. It doesn't sound like your husband has a 9-5 job at a bank or anything. If he is a manger, owner, or another position of importance for a company then his hours will be ridicuilous until he is unemployed or retired. My wife's father would work from 6am to 3am when my wife was a kid. If you slack off you go out of business here. Talk to your husband, let him know how much you need him, but remember you, and the rest of his family, aslo need his monetary support. You'll be under far more stress if oyu had money problems too.

My advice is learn to bend to the cultural norms of Taiwan. The more flexible you are the easier it is for everybody. Stand your ground, but the more willing you are to adapt to others, the more willing they will be to adapt to you. After your baby is born, comes Sit Month (Zuo Yue Zi.) The women of your house will probably refuse to let you get out of bed for awhile, make you eat and drink wierd things, and make you wear a band around your tummy to hold your organs up. If you want them to cut you some slack during this phase, it is best to start working on this now.

Best of luck, and remember.......just relax. Being upset all the time is bad for that baby. Try to take care of yourself, escape by taking walks, etc. Whatever you need to do to make that a good home for your baby.

[piwackit]

I agree alot with the previous poster. When I was pregnant with both of my kiddies my husband would start working his butt off in a panic that he suddenly had more mouths to feed, bodies to clothe and schooling to pay for Similar to the panic that you're probably experiencing but manifesting in a different way.

Also it's true about business here, if you don't work a 9 to 5 office job, and maybe even if you do, there are still business meetings, clients to wine and dine etc. I'm just starting to understand this part now. Very little meetings are actually held in an office with most of it being spent "building relationships".

You want a comfortable lifestyle free of to many financial worries but you need hubby around too. As long he is home most evenings try not to freak out about the ones he spends out either. Spend some time relaxing in the bath, reading parenting books and sleeping because you won't have much time for any of that soon!

ALso most Taiwanese people think you're gonna go into early labour if you so much as pick up a broom so play that card now. Like the previous poster said tell your FIL you're tired or rub your bump and say it hurts a little and he'll probably send you of to bed!

Good luck

[fu xiao]

I cant be rude to the FIL, even if he comes that way to me.. He's very very old-fashioned that expects everyone to dance and skip around him, and I am living in his house..!!! He's one of these old men that can not be told ANY different becos HE"S OLD...

My hubby is in a panic trying to gather the money for our baby. This means his business trips are taking him overseas to other parts of Asia, and i cant go with him cos im waiting for my JFRC visa to come through..

I do appreciate the fact my hubby wants to be prepared for when the baby is born, but dont forget about me... Anything I say to him about his ideas, he will turn it around and persuede me that im being silly and agree with him).

Being married to an international business man takes alot of compromising and sacrifice..its just a matter to coming to terms with alot of his ideas, takes me a couple of weeks aleast..

While he goes on these overseas business trips, im left to live with the FIL whom i cant spk to, yes his father is especially nice to me while my hubby is away i.e. making sure he brings home food for me, but its the awkwardness of sharing the home with an older man...

[fu xiao]

JW, Your little Sabrina is a lovely little girl...i visited you website and had a lok through your family photos.

Your a cute family...

[juli_julia77]

Hi fu xiao,
I am also a white girl married to a Taiwanese and have a 4,5-month old daughter now, but I don't remember hearing that our child will be ugly or her head will be big. Everyone was just dying to see her because she is a mixed child. I have brown hair and brown eyes though, but my hair is dyed fair, so everyone now wonders why our daughter doesn't have fair hair.
And I keep hearing completely different views - that she looks like me, she doesn't look like me at all, but looks like my husband more, that she's got my/his eyes or she looks/doesn't look like a mixed baby with caucasian blood. People said she had dark skin just like her dad and some make disappointed faces when they see her, but lots of people say she is "ke ai". So I just don't care about what "others" see, I love her and she looks beautiful to me. Even the first days after she was born, all wrinkled and with puffy narrow eyes. But I had so many husband's coworkers (he works in the hospital where I gave birth) to come and see the baby and say that "she'll change with time"... what a "polite" congratulation with a newborn.
You can see her pictures in our online album http://groups.msn.com/YuliyasAlbum/nadya.msnw

[fu xiao]

Hi fu xiao,
I am also a white girl married to a Taiwanese and have a 4,5-month old daughter now, but I don't remember hearing that our child will be ugly or her head will be big. Everyone was just dying to see her because she is a mixed child. I have brown hair and brown eyes though, but my hair is dyed fair, so everyone now wonders why our daughter doesn't have fair hair.
And I keep hearing completely different views - that she looks like me, she doesn't look like me at all, but looks like my husband more, that she's got my/his eyes or she looks/doesn't look like a mixed baby with caucasian blood. People said she had dark skin just like her dad and some make disappointed faces when they see her, but lots of people say she is "ke ai". So I just don't care about what "others" see, I love her and she looks beautiful to me. Even the first days after she was born, all wrinkled and with puffy narrow eyes. But I had so many husband's coworkers (he works in the hospital where I gave birth) to come and see the baby and say that "she'll change with time"... what a "polite" congratulation with a newborn.
You can see her pictures in our online album http://groups.msn.com/YuliyasAlbum/nadya.msnw

Little Nadya is beautiful...

You know its too early to say whom she looks like, but I would say she does have very dark or even black hair, and she's got oriental eyes..The father's gene is very strong in Nadya...

And the congrats you recieved was not very tactful...hope it didnt give you a headache... I find when I get headaches alot from not understanding the sister-in-laws (all 3 of them) and their intensions..I preceive their reactions sometimes as interfering, like they have already made plans for my baby and her upbringing...

Juli, how did you cope with that...??? Do you live with your in-laws??? Do your in-laws over do it with their, so called help???

[juli_julia77]

fu xiao,
Thank you,
I actually don't really care what people say, she is my baby girl and I love her. But surely I want her to look good, hopefully she'll loose some baby weight with time My husband worries alot about her looks and what his friends think of our baby.
For the in-laws, I am very lucky and we don't live together. They are very nice people, not very traditional. My FIL loves Nadia very much, MIL tried to tell something like - let the baby cry and don't spoil her, but after seeing that I still do my way, she stopped. I don't' get much help though as they live 200 kilometers from Taipei, but I sometimes go to live there for a week.
And for all the comments people, relatives do I smile and say "hao, hao" and immediately forget, as I know I'll do what I think is the best for my baby.
One thing though I just cannot do is to tell people around NOT to touch my baby, especially face and hands, as she puts the hands into her mouth all the time. I said so couple of times but just cannot as I see people smiling at her and feel it might be rude to tell them not to touch her. You will have to deal with this and also with people trying to hold your baby. Just tell them she's afraid of strangers and starts crying, people are usually afraid of crying babies so this works.
And don't take what people say closely to your heart, it must be the pregnancy that you feel that sensitive. "Jia You"! 加油!